Paris Hilton Wants To Be Tinkerbell

Because not quite enough of your childhood dreams have been throttled and trampled by culture's unending descent into l'inferno, Paris Hilton would like to be Tinkerbell in a new movie. Yes! She's heavily lobbying for the lead in a Disney project about what would happen if the Peter Pan fairy's life got flipped turned upside down and she ended up a real girl. It's a neat idea, mostly because it's never been done before. (This also seems somewhat related, but it's really not). Page Six seems to think that Disney is actually considering hiring Hilton—who got undeserved "she's a comedic actress!" praise for her stupid election-season internet video (can we please retire the phrase "bitches" from the Funny lexicon?). Now why on earth would Disney do that?

Well, as we noticed earlier, Disney is trying to sneakily get some cool cachet points by selling you Disney products that you don't even know are Disney products! Like wedding dresses and chandeliers and leather chairs. Ms. Hilton, the gummy socialite with a famous sex tape, would be the ultimate in heavily-masked Disney merchandise. Really, though, we don't actually think Disney would steam ahead with Hilton in the squeaky lead role of a squeakier film, especially when someone like Sara Paxton exists.

At least we hope they wouldn't.