Harvard Needs a Bailout!

According to financially troubled magazine US News & World Report, the best college in the world is financially troubled Harvard, whose endowment has "suffered investment losses of at least 22% in the first four months of the school's fiscal year," according to the Wall Street Journal. Turns out all those colleges investing in real estate and private equity and commodities was only a brilliant idea for like ten years. This is a loss of $8 billion! So now the endowment is only like $29 billion. Is the Ivy League too big to fail?

Should Harvard seek some sort of bailout? If it means Keith Gessen and Lena Chen carpooling down to DC on a fuel-efficient bicycle built for two in order to beg skeptical Congressmen for $10 billion then yes, definitely.

Of course, Harvard is too snooty to beg like mere CEOs of automobile companies. They will probably just try to influence congressional opinion with op-eds and thinly veiled autobiographical novels and episodes of The Simpsons.

But, in lieu of federal intervention, Harvard will deal with this crushing loss of a fration of their massive wealth by freezing hiring in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences.

(Also, breaking: College May Become Unaffordable for Most in the U.S. Oh no! What will kids do to pass the time before they move back in with their parents to pass the time until their parents house is foreclosed on?)