'I'm No Wallflower,' Katie Holmes Instructed to Say

On a day that has seen its fair share of horrors, the suddenly, comparatively innocuous couple of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes couldn't have picked a better day for news of their upcoming dual cover story for the NY Times magazine to leak out. After we've witnessed Satan himself emerge onto Sunset Blvd. to announce a series/collagen installment plan for Lisa Rinna, what damage can be done a creepy story like Cruise's revelation that he bought Holmes an engagement ring after their first date? With the black smoke coursing through our city, who can choke out a laugh at Holmes's insistence that she hasn't become a Stepford wife? Oh wait, we can:

"There's a misperception about me that I just became this wallflower, this woman who doesn't have any control of her life. And that's pretty wrong. From the very beginning, I've made choices in my life that have been very strong."

"When I met Tom I was completely in love and, yes, I admired him growing up – he's Tom Cruise! … When I met him, he was so warm and I thought, Wow! You can be a superstar and a human being. He made me feel so amazing."

Who could ever assume that Katie Holmes had lost control of her life just because she's only been let out to make one film since meeting Cruise, who has long insisted on calling her by the completely different name "Kate"? Perhaps this well-timed set of interviews was no coincidence; after all, the magazine is dubbing the piece "Reinvention," and all around us today, Hollywood is being reinvented in the most soul-rendering fashion possible. Los Angeles, meet your new king and queen. All samurai swords will be confiscated.