Our long national nightmare of not seeing justice done in one high-profile crime is over! OJ Simpson was just sentenced, and now journalists across the nation are trying to figure out all the fancy law talk to see just how much time OJ will spend in jail. The judge was very disappointed in the Juice, even though he was very very sorry, and OJ will be in jail for
6 years before he can make parole. The full sentence is 15, we think, though hopefully the AP or someone will let us correct that soon (oh hey). This means the world will finally get closure on a 14-year-old circus. We finally get to see OJ in prison! We never thought we'd see the day!
[Unrelated rant: Our half-paying attention to the sentencing is better than CNN did, at least.What the shit is wrong with Kyra Phillips? In addition to introducing the sentencing by bitching like a talk radio caller about how OJ is the most evil man alive, she followed up the judge by announcing that she hadn't been paying attention and was unable to follow the sentencing. She can't follow the sentencing? It's 15 years, six years until possibility of parole. (Counting some consecutive sentences it's maybe 18 years? That is part we missed.) Philips explained the news to her viewers like they were children. "He used a gun, and he's going to the slammer." Off to commercial!]