Don't Panic: The Moon's In Xanax

After three little earthquakes over the weekend (sadly not of the Tori Amos variety) left no major damage, we feel confident in saying that the apocalyptic front that moved in offshore has safely exited the Southland and is now wreaking havoc on Scottsdale or Tucson. Let those Snowbirds deal with it, you need to find a new director for your vampire movies. Your astrological B.O. predictions after the jump.

If today - December 8 - is your birthday: Sure, the Washington DC Area Film Critics Association liked Slumdog Millionaire, but it's the favor of the Los Angeles Area Co-Dependent Hot Chicks With Daddy Issues Association that you seem to be cultivating as of late. Continue plying the ladies with gifts and attention and you'll have a longer run that anything Danny Boyle could make.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Today is the end of an era. As far as you know, that statement only applies to Boston Legal, but it would be a good idea to make sure your resume is up to date.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Instead of saying "No" to everything, make a point to say "Yes" to more opportunities this week. Robin Williams never seems to turn anything down, and he's a lot funnier and more famous than you'll ever be.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Give your daydreams a chance to come true: Find your favorite starlet's address, wait outside her house, watch for her to exit, follow her to set, and watch her go about her business and then follow her home at the end of the day. The only difference between a stalker and an assistant is that the stalker probably has health coverage.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Finally, MTV is going to document your amazing life with a new reality show special. Too bad its working title is: True Life: I Was Marilyn Manson's Rebound Fuck.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Gloomy economic news doesn't matter, as you have made yourself an indispensable part of the film industry. Everyone else might be worried about job security, but Cat Wrangling is notoriously recession-proof.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): The career of George Lucas, a fellow Taurus, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. The generally low critical opinion of your work doesn't bother you, and you continue to create lucrative projects that make fans happy. Besides, even if your billions dry up, Coppola still owes you a couple thou from back in the Zoetrope days.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): It will come to pass that you will be stuck talking to that annoying assistant who wants to specialize in fantasy lit at the holiday party, and lo, he will make multiple Lord of the Rings references that will go right over your head, and ye will be too drunk to recall this conversation and not remember how thou drove thyself home.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The featured extra role in that national Applebee's spot will send some extra dough your way this Christmas, but don't waste it on a charity. There's at least 100 women in Westwood alone that would gladly accept it in the form of cocaine.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Your mom always said, "Don't cry over spilled milk." Take that old saw to heart this week. When the little things in life get you down, there's no reason to fret. But when Viacom HR informs you that your position has been terminated, feel free to have a full-blown breakdown in the In-N-Out drive-thru lane.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Time management has never been your strong suit, but you need to be more efficient than ever this week. Here's a tip: Get your shrink to call in a prescription of Adderall and forego the Xanax. You'll definitely get all those scripts read and a little panic attack never hurt anyone.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): With the amount of holiday dinner parties, office gatherings and family events you'll have to attend this month, it'll feel like you're in the movie Four Christmases. Try to only use this joke once per party, because it's really obnoxious.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Like all born under the sign of the Scorpion, your arteries and veins pulse with intense passion, sexual energy and the seeds of mystery. Sadly, your blood vessels are also populated by a dangerous amount of cholesterol from eating greasy delivery food. Get your assistant to pick up Cheerios, Lipitor and some rubbers. You're seeing your mistress in Thousand Oaks tonight.

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