Ten Winners Of The Recession

Everybody's doing bad now, right? Not at all! Capitalism, as we all know and believe, is a wondrous balancing mechanism that ensures that when one area of the economy (everything) goes down, another (ten quirky niches) will rise up. After the jump, a list of ten sectors and companies that are actually doing great right now. And they only get better as everything else gets worse:

  • Layoff consultants: These people, truly, are the winners of the recession. The more of you that become unemployed, the more companies will shell out for HR expertise in shuffling you peacefully out the door without riots or lawsuits. PR firms and private security also get a cut.
  • Netflix: The movie rental company catering to cheap lazy bastards like me is having a great year. Shares jumped 10% today! Why spend money going to a theater when you can sit out on your couch at home watching Netflix and eating...
  • Spam: This dog food product is all people can afford these days, so factories are working overtime to churn it out, literally. Which is a testament to its brilliant marketing, because Spam is not even cheap. But it goes well with...
  • Campbell Soup: This was the one stock to go up in the very early days, when everything else went down! How can you hate on Campbell's soup, really? Its canned goodness will get you through the days when you can't scrape together enough pawn shop money for a visit to...
  • McDonald's: Luxury isn't dead. It's simply been redefined. 2007: Per Se. 2008: Double cheeseburger. Now they have salads, too! But you'll want fries for their nourishing, lifesaving calories. McD's is bound to prosper.
  • Wal-Mart: The retail death star is one of the few stocks that have bounced back quickly from the market collapse. Gaze into your future, America. Wal-Mart. The future of America.
  • CNBC: It's the go-to media outlet for the collapse of America. Unfortunately, as its biggest story ever is happening, its own finances are screwed along with every other business media outlet.
  • Lazard: Hey, does your company need to go bankrupt? Call Lazard! Tribune did, along with every other smart, broke ass company. Bad times are great for Lazard, a premier advisor to companies in the toilet. Rest assured that the attractive Bruce Wasserstein will make it through this depression unscathed.
  • Online porn: Sure, you might not be able to afford sex tourism any more, but online porn is still free and plentiful. Watch porn sites' traffic explode as penniless men unable to afford dates stay home and soothe their sorrows.
  • Crystal meth dealers: All the big swinging dicks on Wall Street were cokeheads, because coke is a money drug. Now that people are poor, it's all about the Tina, baby. It's the perfect drug for this new American era: cheap, powerful, and terrifying.