Last week bizarro Jackie O doppleganger Aryan won the challenge. I didn't see that episode and my imagination is too impoverished to construct a credible explanation of it so I entered her win into the ledger as "Strange Occurrence Not To Be Repeated." Too soon, monsoon! It happened again but last night's episode was baffling for more than just that reason.
First let's get the facts out of the way in the "Handy 39 Word Narrative Recapitulation": Quickfire, blind taste test. Hosea won. Challenge, cook for Gail's bridal shower. Conceit, teams, in groups of three, create dish based on following tradition; "On wedding day, wear something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." Aryan won. Anglo conspiracy.
The episode was rife with errors. The Old team—two bald guys and a Ken doll— included Carpaccio, describing it as an old and classic dish. Carpaccio was born in Harry's Bar in Venice in 1950, when Giuseppe Cipriani (grandfather and namesake of currently exiled Giuseppe Cipriani). That's not old at all. I've slept with women who were born before then. I kid! I kid! I think! Secondly, Blue team's dashing Italian says at one point, the yellow and the green components of the plate mix on the light spectrum to make blue. Nope, blue and yellow combine to make green; Those properties aren't transitive. Lastly and most personally affecting, Stefan clearly has a mistaken understanding of the word lesbian. I think he just repeats it phonetically when the need arises. He tries to kiss—but not with tongue, that's icky—Jaime, the short lezbeeyahn with a big ego, lots of tattoos who deserved to win. But that won't work because she likes shes not hes and hes a he.
But here's what's really wrong: Mawwaige! Padma Lakshmi is still single. Not to neg Simmons (
Congratulations! Best wishes!) but what has rotted in this topsy-turvey world that a foxy curvy girl like Lakshmi still roams the linoleum hallways of love lonesome? People, there's only one set of footprints! Maybe the Lord is carrying her. But maybe there's no God at all and she's alone. This can not abide. You know when you have a crush on a girl but then you have a girlfriend or a wife or something at any rate that precludes you from pursuing the crush so instead you try to pawn off this or that girl to one of your friends because look, if you can't do it, at least you can hear about someone doing it and get vicarious satisfaction? Yeah, we know she was once married to a bat-faced author with a fatwa hanging over him. But not anymore.
So let's get it together people. Let's find Padma a mate. Like so many things having to do with love/sex, this has the possibility to go viral. If we try, si se puede! It can't be hard. "SIF, 38, looks like Pocahantas but actually the other Indian. Ex-Model/Cookbook author. Likes weed, alcohol, partying, NPR. ISO SM, 18-92, must like pets. Non smoking a plus. Fatwa OK." We've even gone and prepared a video personal ad (see above, thanks to Gawker video guy Mike Byhoff). Forward it to your friends, ex-lovers, food lovers, big spenders, Wim Wenders, Ry Cooder, Lewis Libby aka Scooter, any one and every one who might help. If my calculations are correct, Padma should be married by January. Send your nominations to firstname.lastname@example.org. If this works out, we'll all be invited to the wedding.