Now that slushy pop entertainer Britney Spears has come back, what's she gonna do now that she's back on top? Who's she gonna do? And most importantly, will she screw it up again? Let's predict!
Her album Circus sold like gangbusters! Her sad TV special got lots and lots of ratings! she's basically skinny again! It's time we turned our curious, worrying, leering gazes on her unknowable future.
Step 1: Bring Me the Head(s) of Kevin Federline
Britney—on a near-hallucinogenic high from her rocket back to hitsville—will take back her ferrety little backup dancer ex-husband (and father of her two gooey sons, Peekaboo Johnson and Jada Pinkett). The press will cry "what an idiot!!!" but they'll also be so curious, maybe even hopeful that these two processed young people will work all this craziness out and be a fambly again. But then the true nefarious plot will be revealed: Britney is staging a wicked revenge on the fellow. Wasn't it he, after all, who basically dragged her barefoot through the garden of earthly gas station bathroom delights? So, on a stormy evening, she'll sweetly coo "Kevin... come to the White Room [you know she has a White Room]. I have a surprise for you..." Off to the plush den he'll galoompf, only to be grabbed by one of Brit's trusty bodyguards and chained to a chair. His eyes will be forced open and he'll be made to watch her film Crossroads over and over again until the end of time. The sweetest revenge.
Step 2: Booze Company
T'won't be the meth or pills or whatever it was that broke her the first time that will send her back into the abyss. Naw, it'll just be nice old fashioned liquor that brings her roaring back to the heady days of hedonism. Well, not exactly hedonism, more like old-timey Elaine Stritch-esque drunken, gimlet-eyed crackle. She'll do the small club circuit and spend more time talking than she does singing, but you'll hang on every word. If her crazy showbiz stories are made up, you don't want to know and don't really care. They're just too good. Of course this could kind of be offset by the fact that she's not some kicky old lady like Stritch. She's just in her late 30's. So yeah. Um. Maybe it is a little weird. Never mind.
Step 3: Hit Me Baby Within the Next Ten Minutes
Infomercials! Britney will sell products! Newly smoothed over and infused with a Janine Turner-style Christian smarm, the wobbly "mid-40's" Entertainer will start hawking various lines of jewelry and exercise products in soft-touch, late night sit downs with an aged and crumbling Leeza Gibbons. They'll be horribly sad, sure, but there will also be something almost whimsically noble about the fact that Ms. Spears is still out there, workin' it every day. Say what you will about Britney and her public, but don't say she doesn't love them. Because she does. Really, she does.
Step 4: The Goodbye, Hollywood! Tour
Having now been through as many heartaches (and as many rounds of cosmetic surgery) as Dolly Parton, a 50-something Britney will take to the twangy road, soft crooning tunes about survival in a bitter, mean world that is so rarely kind to nice Southern girls—like in her song "Dimwits, Dummies, and Dolts" which features the lyric "I've got complex points 'a view / Thicker'n a pot of gumbo stew." It'll be a hit with her now aging female and gay ultra-core fan base, who will come out to the various casino lounges where she's strumming away and everyone will sway and feel happy and sad all at the same time and things will go on like this until everyone shuffles off and all that's left is a near-disappeared billboard in Kentwood, LA that proudly heralds the town as the home of some singer once who was famous way back when named Britney Spears.