With your holiday shopping done, cards mailed and plane tickets booked, just refill that valium prescription and you’re ready for family time. Will your trip home be It’s A Wonderful Life or Natural Born Killers?
If today - December 15 - is your birthday: With the Screen Actors Guild fracturing down the middle, you will find yourself similarly torn between the ancient Greek muses of tragedy and comedy. While it would be tragic for your acting brethren to receive anything less than what they deserve, it’s comic to think a new contract impacts someone with as little talent/potential as you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Passing out holiday cards to your production company subordinates was a nice gesture. But it was immediately undercut by the lack of a personalized message: “Happy Holidays, Former Employee. Please clear out your personal items by the end of business today.”
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Your penchant for spur of the moment witticisms and acerbic comebacks could get you in trouble today. Just remember that life is not one big Apatow production, and an extended riff on female private parts will not endear you to that West Hollywood policewoman.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Images are the way you communicate with the world, and your pursuit of the perfect shot this week will finally reach its blissful apex. Sure, no one will remember who snapped that grainy long-lensed photo of Jessica Biel sunbathing topless while on vacation, but your mastery of the paparazzic arts will be complete.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): It always feels good to be nominated for awards, especially the knowledge that your peers recognize your important contributions to the cinematic arts. Granted, your self-financed story of overcoming child abuse in the Warsaw ghetto won’t get any noms, we’re just saying, is all.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): A swim in the ocean or a brief rain shower will do little to drown your sorrows after five days of work on that low-budget straight-to-DVD mafia thriller ends up on the cutting room floor. Just take solace that you got to work with Stephen Baldwin and one of the dudes from The Hills.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You did the responsible thing by reducing the size and scope of the agency’s holiday office party. It sent the right message for these tough economic times and by pocketing the savings, you were able to afford to hire a third house boy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Planetary energies collide this month, so do your best to ignore the friction in the air around you. That being said, you probably shouldn’t ignore the threats against your life made by the Second A.D. He once attacked Donald Faison with a battery pack.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): When the studio head asks you to house-sit for him while he goes to St. Barts over Christmas, weigh your options before you give him an answer. On one hand, you haven't been home in a while and your parents are excited to spend a few days reviving family traditions. But let's be real, your parents don't have cable, you burned all your bridges with your high school friends, and using that Beverly Hills mansion wisely could end your sexual dry spell.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): The career of Matt LeBlanc, a fellow Leo, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Even though your friends consider you to be of a lower order of intelligence, your true blue, fun-loving personality will result in success with female day players.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Even though you’re known for being an over-protective show-runner, the stars instruct you to hand over the reins this week. Not only will you have time to unwind, but the stars have a contact pretty high up at network who thinks that your once-fresh creative vision has become stale.
Libra (September 23 - October 23): If you can maintain the structure of your energy system, you will have more time to work on creative projects this week. Now, if you could only get a handle on the structure of your middle school vampire romance feature spec, you might be able to someday move off your cousin's futon.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): You love to win and get immense satisfaction from knowing you bested all challengers. Unfortunately, this means your upcoming defeat in the mailroom's Biggest Loser finale pool will totally ruin your day.