This week people embarrassed themselves on TV, ate poison sushi, stopped drinking, and ignored all their gay friends.
- Tom Cruise (who might have herpes) wandered onto the Today Show set and acted crazy; a fake blind governor showed up on SNL and was hilarious (but offensive! for shame! for shame); and then Blago ended up on the news and recited beautiful poetry.
- Nobody in New York drinks anymore! (Though I have the recycling bin to prove that wrong! Because it's full of wine bottles! Because I like to drink!) But at least Alaskan grandmoms are still doing sweet, sweet drugs. Jeremy Piven might be doing drugs too, though it might just be killer sushi.
- A dude threw a shoe (we have a Dana Perino down!), CarKenn threw down the gauntlet, and the internet threw up all over us.
- Some bitchy rich ladies cope with the recession by going on secret shopping sprees, while others are just letting themselves go.
- Obama hates gay people!
- Padma Lakshmi wants to get married, while Alec Baldwin doesn't even want to talk about marriage.
- Facebook is dying maybe? Steve Jobs is dying maybe, too. Sad.
- Bernie Madoff's niece married a SEC lawyer! Do you get the irony there? No? Maybe The Hills is more to your liking.
- Eliot Spitzer made an ill-advised joke about things sucking. Oh, and speaking of sucking! Deep Throat died.
- And finally, in case Christmas wasn't already completely ruined, molesters killed Santa.