Hollywood drives people to choose alternate religions - Buddhism, Scientology, the Zone diet. For this week's horoscopes, we consulted a friend in the Shamanic community, who suggested some power animals to guide you.
If today - December 22 - is your birthday: [Power animal: Griffith Park coyote] The holidays are a time for comfort foods and stuffing yourself silly while relaxing with the family. However, pilot season's coming up and with parts for thin, blonde actresses at a premium, you might want to think twice about "keeping" that ham and mashed potatoes.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): [Power animal: Beaver] You know the lay-offs at your studio are inevitable, but you have options, too. You can file for unemployment, ask your friends if there are any openings at their offices, or you can put the expensive pity gifts your boss gave you on eBay. Sure, they were a generous gesture, but that Kindle is worth like $400.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): [Power animal: Feral cat] The acting & filmmaking career of Edward Burns, a fellow Aquarian, illuminates the ideal lifepath this week. Though your career is dotted with insubstantial roles in mainstream crap like The Holiday and 27 Dresses, you use those checks to finance your own films. That is the very definition of suffering for your art.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): [Power animal: Pink's chili dog] Book some time in your calendar to count your blessings: a thriving client roster, beautiful Lake Hollywood home, good friends, your second assistant continuing your sexual affair but deciding not to keep the baby.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): [Power animal: Flamingo] Despite having meager talent and owing all of your success to favors called in by your executive producer boyfriend, it's about time you took a dominant role in your relationship. Wait. No, it's not time to do that. You do not want to go back to Omaha.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): [Power animal: Cute mouse] A screening of The Tale of Despereaux changes your life, as you realize that it isn't the story of the film that matters, but the quality of the animation and the caliber of the celebrity voices. The doors to success are now wide open.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): [Power animal: Poison frog] Viral videos are a rough game, and the holiday clip you cut has barely cracked 100 hits on YouTube. Don't waste your time trying to promote it further. The moment is lost, and your boss at J.Crew doesn't like you using your laptop on the sales floor.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): [Power animal: Paris Hilton's dog] Every time a bell rings, another angel gets his wings, as the old saying goes. Fuck that. The only bell you hear is the one on your boss's miniature schnauzer that keeps shitting in your editing room.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): [Power animal: Vilanchosaurus] A lie is only bad if it can be proven. Your family doesn't even know where Los Angeles is, let alone the difference between your position as a writer's assistant and an actual writer. Just fudge it, you'll feel better about yourself.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): [Power animal: Cocaine] Your heavy drinking is justified this week, as someone beat you to the pitch that was going to make your career. What are the odds that two people would have the same Sex and the City-meets-werewolves idea? Probably about 1 in 3.
Libra (September 23 - October 23): [Power animal: Salmon avocado roll] Leo is your enemy this week, especially when his film Revolutionary Road steals your thunder with regional film critics association and Lukas Haas cancels your Christmas plans because Leo gave him Lakers floor seats.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): [Power animal: Hummus] True talent is lurking around every corner in Los Angeles, so when the valet at La Poubelle leaves a copy of his script in your Porsche, don't ignore it. Take it home, read it, and then have a good laugh — not at the jokes in his flaccid dark comedy, but at his presumption that people might care about his art.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): [Power animal: Beaver] As you get older, it seems your behavior is only becoming more juvenile and immature. Despite your embrace of this trend, your self-dubbed reverse-Benjamin Button-syndrome is not nearly as winning as Brad Pitt's transformation, nor is it as artfully shot and directed.