Well, last night was it! Finally the season finale of The Hills. It was, as always, a listless and sad half hour. Full of pained, vacant expressions and soaring cameras and pop-introspection muzaks.
Heidi and Spencer, the Mexican-married couple, wobbled their way back into Los Angeles with their delicious golden secret nestled 'gainst their bosoms. Well, it wasn't really a secret. Ey'body knew. Including their pointy sisters and Heidi's "please, me too!!!" mom. She was weepy and sad about the wedding and said to her forever-lost daughter, "this isn't how you wanted it." To which Heidi responded: "No, but I wanted to be a princess too." And I think she meant an honest-to-goodness princess. Quite literally. Attention parents of little girls everywhere: please let's call a moratorium on this whole princess thing. It's a silly, selfish (princesses are, after all, officially better than all the other girls in the land) fantasy.
Anyway, elsewhere in stinktown: Lauren was wist-mopping away to Lo about something. I don't know. She's such a needless cipher these days. This was the season where the show's heroine became obsolete, except for her role as dim dying planet around with everyone else orbits. You could tell a moment with Heidi was on the horizon though, because after getting zapped by the producers' ladyprod, Lo mentioned something about her. Ah well.
Audrina, the true breakout star of this woeful season—what with her chippermumpk features and willowy little relationships—went speeding off into the inland desert with her dark prince, Justin Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Ephraimsdaughter Longstocking Bobby. He, ridiculously, was riding one of those high-handle-barred hogs and was wearing, excuse me while a whole galaxy crumples and winks out of existence, a tank top and cuffed-legged overalls. I couldn't tell if he was going to bust out with "That Was a Real Nice Clambake" from Carousel or murder Ponyboy.
They were in Palm Springs! Where Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade romantically drank straight from the champagne bottle and kept calling Audy "dude." Then he farted and burped and said "beer n' strange" and she swooned and farted along with him and they filled the room and blasted out of the ceiling and a heavenly choir of their farts soared higher and higher into the air and the hole in the ozone layer was repaired. (Hat tip to Mr. Kushner.) Either that happened or they went to some strange "restaurant" at the hotel where you lie on a big circular bed and they bring you filet mignon. What sounds more likely to exist on the rational plane? The first one, right?
He gave her some ring, a promise ring or a forever ring or a friendship ring or I'm gonna mash your face into the pillow while I do ya from behind and grunt and fall asleep without you getting yours tonight ring. So again she swooned and in space the astronauts gazed down at this precarious blue marble and said "There's the Great Wall, and Luxor in Vegas, and oh! There's Audrina and Windowshade Mackrelmint farting!" Thus ends their chapter for now. But don't take my word for it!
So then we teeter back to Heidi and Spencer. Mrs. Heidismom forbids the planned courthouse wedding to take place. Spencer does a Fleshbeard Staaaare and Mrs. Heidismom falls over dead. Then Zummi from the Gummi Bears (Audrina) pops out of a hole and bonks Spencer on the head. Then the plane from Tail Spin comes zooming overhead and Magica De Spell steals Heidi's magical first dime. (Sorry, I'm home in Boston and my childhood is seeping into my pores.)
What actually happened is that Heidi went to one of her fancy Bolthouse party events (oh, hilars part of the episode when Heidi tells Brent and Co. that she got fake hitched in Mexico. They blink at her for and hour and a half then walk away silently) and of course Lauren Conrad was there!!!!! You remember LC, they used to be friends! So Heidi comes galompfing up and sends Lo away (where she's powered down for the season by the producers and put back in her Small Wonder sleeping box.) Anyway, Heidi starts mewling about her moms and Lauren pretends to care. Then the room turned slightly sideways and a gunshot was heard, far off across the river, and Heidi said "Isn't it sad? Isn't it funny? I feel so young and yet I'm getting so terribly old. Oh it goes so fast Lauren. And it goes so slowly. My hands are betraying me, my heart is betraying me. Life is a long war with the body and a quick dance with the mind, isn't it old friend?"
Lauren patted her on the head and said "if you ever really need anything, I'm here for you." Which means: if you're driving top speed through the Sonoran desert with Spencerina's mangled, eyes-still-wide-open corpse stuffed in the trunk and you need somewhere to lay low or some cash, I guess you can gimme a call. So that was that and Lauren disappeared into the teary evening. Who knows if she'll be back for another season! (She will.)
Then we came to the end. The last few pages flipped by as Spencerina, Fleshbeard, and Heidi stood in the courthouse. Would they get married?
They walked into the courtroom and were greeted by a judge. She was, I think, the only black person ever featured on The Hills. So good for her. Heidi said her vows, but then Spencer... Well he just couldn't go through with it. Because Mrs. Heidismom wasn't there and didn't support it, because Heidi should be a princess, because they needed a story arc for next season. Let's give you your fairytale wedding, baby!! Aw so that's that. They didn't get married. Even though they went on the cover of Us Weekly and said they did. Precious gems, these two.
So Heidi's lopsided wedding vows hung in the air and quickly evaporated, rising high into the inky dusk. There they mixed with Lauren's sighs and murmurs, with the ghostly specter of the once-present Whitney. They danced with the farts of Audy and Windowshade, played with Lo's quiet, wicked prayers gone wafting a'heaven.
All of it swirled and dipped and swooshed and there we were somewhere holding this little smogglobe, done with shaking it for the time being, putting it back on the shelf. We'll take it down again, I'm sure, someday. Someday when we're bored and weary and the house creaks with late afternoon laziness and we wonder just how our old silly friends are doing.
Until then, I bid happy trails to you and yours.