These are the funniest, or timeliest, or wittiest comments we could find this year. There was a long, long list to cull from, so really you should all consider yourself winners. Especially ten of you.
A gorgeous cast that is not in the least attractive."
9. From Colonel Mustard in Steve Doocy Is The Only Person Still Thinking About Madonna's Breasts:
"Watching Fox and Friends is sort of like watching a bunch of witches sip coffee and have a good time while roasting children on a spit. Like, they almost seem normal, and you kind of forget how evil they are for a second, and then one of them is picking baby out of their teeth with a rib bone."
Reading someone else's emails."
5. From ADismalScience in Jennifer Hudson's Family's Murder Is a Great Selling Point:
"Oh god, there is nothing worse than a gun violence debate. It's like watching chickens argue with eggs in the middle of a KFC."
Gum was a pre-911 candy, when americans could lounge over the disappearing flavour of their confection, and spend all day masticating uselessly. It was a candy of indulgence and softness, which allowed terrorism to strike. In the 90s there were many bubbles. There was the stockmarket bubble, the corporate governance bubble, the terrorism bubble and the gum bubble.
But now, global technologies have flattened the playing field on which candy is made. Young indian entrepreneurs can plug in their laptops and magically make candy. Candy can now emerge from the buttocks of young philipino boys. It grows on trees. I'm bathing in candy right now. When I was in mumbai, I saw a billboard for candy and I thought "oh my god. the world of candy is being flattened". but not just flattened, but flattened into bumps of progress. flatbumped into a flat, bumpy surface on which the whole world can slide smoothly. Over bumps.
America needs a strong, direct candy. They need a candy which can be chewed and swallowed. But swallowing is not enough. It must be swallowed all at once, violently, in a process I call "swONEllowing". This swONEllowing allows americans the sudden massive jolt of sugar to their systems that allows them to pierce the deceptive beards of jihadists living in the united states, to reveal their terrorist intent. It then allows all americans the sugar rush necessary to leap to iraq, and join our marines in taking a giant stick from house to house, and showing it to the iraqis. One might think that they wouldn't understand us, but will they understand getting anally penetrated by an assault rifle? The answer is yes."