The Butterscotch Puppy: A Christmas Miracle!

We hope Santa brought everything you wanted (Wii porn), and nothing you didn't (tongue cancer, American Apparel giftcards). Your B.O., followed by the Top 5 Chinese Dishes Consumed Later by the Jews Who Saw Them:

(All figures come from Big Hollywood.)

1. Marley & Me - $13.9 million
Jennifer Aniston's Marley P.R. blitz—featuring dozens of discomforting conversations about yoga positions, half-Windsor knots, and sexual uses for pureed liver—appears to have done the trick. The film, a heart string-tugging story of how a disobedient pet made one family's life immeasurably richer, has logged the highest Christmas Day opening of all time—surely giving Fox reason enough to proceed with its planned sequel, 101 Marleys & Us.

2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - $11.1 million
This meandering tale of man who was born smelling of VapoRub and egg salad sandwiches, and died smelling like powder and mashed bananas, is second-highest Xmas day opener of all time. It should be on track for a $45 million four-day weekend if its 2988 screens are expanded to the planned 3500, filling hundreds of abandoned ghost theaters once meant for the monkeysaur adventures of Delgo and friends.

3. Bedtime Stories - $9.75 million
Many expected this fantastical family film, featuring Adam Sandler as a loving uncle who discovers a remote control that can bring his wildest imaginings to life (wait—wrong omnipotent Sandler movie), to be the weekend's big earner. Still, expect Disney to act thrilled about its performance, with a statement gushing, "In a field crowded with major holiday releases, ours was the only film in the top five to feature both a gumball hailstorm, a chariot race, and Adam Sandler talking in that high-pitched baby voice that kills us every time. We couldn't be prouder."

4. Valkyrie - $7.35 million
Tom Cruise's latest starring vehicle seems to have indeed found an audience among history buffs, who craved a Führer-detonation thriller this Christmas. Estimates have the four-day take hitting as high as $30 million—a number robust enough to coax MGM employees off their Century City window ledges and onto New Year's Eve dance floors for champagne toasts to their favorite one-eyed, one-handed, Hitler-hunting superstar.

5. The Spirit - $3.15 million
You know your so-bad-it's-bad-unless-you're-tanked-and-then-it's-actually-pretty-good movie is underperforming when its star's snotty Kleenex is grossing higher than its per-screen average.

The Top Five Chinese Dishes Consumed Later by the Jews Who Saw Them:
1. Beef with Broccoli
2. Pork Fried Rice
3. Kung Pao Chicken
4. General Tsao's Chicken
5. Hot and Sour Soup