Obama Inaugural Will Probably Kill You, Congress PromisesS

To discourage people from actually attending Barack Obama's presidential inauguration, the Democratic Congress is promising the ceremony will be hell on Earth, like Katrina, except planned by Congress.

Headed by Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein, the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies just issued a "special alert" promising hope-crushing carnage when Obama is sworn in Jan. 20. The thought of millions of their own constituents next to them in DC, drinking heavily, is clearly terrifying to senators and members of the House of Representatives. Everyone should just watch politics quietly on the TV!

Some highlights from the "advisory:"

  • "Please think carefully about whether you can stand outside in cold weather in a large crowd for up to six hours, and whether you are ready for long delays getting home afterwards. "
  • "D.C.'s subway system... is expecting 'crush-level' crowds. Be prepared to wait for space on a train for long periods of time, during which you will have to stand in close proximity to several thousand people."
  • "The weather in Washington in January is usually quite cold and often rainy or snowy."
  • "Persons in wheelchairs or utilizing walkers should be aware that they will need to move across bumpy surfaces, grassy areas, and possible icy areas (depending on the weather)." (That means you, John McCain!)
  • "Getting to the swearing-in ceremonies that morning will be very difficult because of the large crowds."
  • " Many Metro escalators will be closed due to crowding and individuals will need to climb Metro stairs or wait to utilize the small number of elevators at Metro stations. "
  • "Public transportation is expected to be running at 'crush capacity.'"
  • "We... recommend developing back-up plans."

See you at the Porta-Potties!

(Image via Library of Congress)