Last night, MTV started its new "Brody Jenner finds a friend" series Bromance in the way many had anticipated: with a loving homage to the naked, hooded dehumanization perfected at Abu Ghraib.
With the contestants snug, asleep, and undressed in a Los Angeles hotel, Jenner ordered burly security guards to forcibly pull them from their beds, an offense that was once thought of as sexual harassment (back during The Real World: Los Angeles) but was now apparently regarded as great show fodder by a proto-gay, A&F-clad creative executive at MTV. The nude contestants were hooded and whisked away to a random house (near USC?) where Jenner was waiting, all so that his first words to the potential best pals could be, "Take 'em off, guys." Thus, MTV's bold new attempt at a gay dating show began.
Jenner promptly laid out the parameters of the first competition: "pull" two chicks for a party later that night. Helping to assist him would be his Hills costar Frankie Delgado and, uh, his "friend" "Sleazy T" (discuss: did the man choose his nickname because he didn't want his real one associated with this series, or did he possess it already, signifying a lack of shame that would render that sort of cognitive thinking moot? Wait, who are we kidding, he probably auditioned and was cast for this role himself, providing producers with a warm-up Bromance in miniature). This was far too much for the show's only (out) homosexual contestant, Michael, who quit the show after realizing that he had competition in the eyebrow-scaping department that he may never be able to surpass.
Eventually, after lots of lessons learned and one-armed handshake hugs, it came time for Jenner to eliminate a bro. For this, he stripped down to a swimsuit and entered his spa in a lovingly photographed montage that suggested a future Bromance challenge: the ability to trim one's chest hair, yet still craft an immaculate happy trail. Finally, Jenner was left in the pool with the two weakest contestants: filthy-mouthed Jacob, and a young man whose startling resemblance to Star Trek's Chris Pine was not helped by the name "Chris P." Sadly, it was Jacob who would be asked to leave the spa and show, though he received the order from Jenner in a catchphrase-less mumble. Not even a "Who broa, whoa. Uncool, brah"? Back to the drawing board, MTV. [Bromance]