Made-of-wood First Lady Laura Bush has finally sold her memoirs! Scribner bought them for an undisclosed sum—probably close to $10 million. What will we see in this thrilling volume of history in action?

Well, just last week a bunch of publishing hot shots told the New Yorker that the book is unlikely to reveal anything good. Laura lived up to her robotic image in personal meetings:

“We questioned her rigorously, but it was one-word answers. I considered it the worst, or the most frustrating, meeting of its sort that I’ve ever had.” He added, “But she really couldn’t have been nicer.”

We're calling it right now: this book will be the most boring first lady memoir ever. It will be full of sickly sweet platitudes, okay? Although millions of Americans will surely pay $29.95 to hear the inside scoop on this:

The President, Mrs. Bush, Barbara, and Jenna are deeply saddened by the passing of their cat India (“Willie”)...India [was also] affectionately called “Kitty” by the family.

Why so many pseudonyms?

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.