Regardless of your New Year's party indiscretions, the possibilities are still endless for 2009. Maybe cut back on the drinking, but whoever you made out with in that alley will change your life. We promise.
If today - January 5 - is your birthday: There is no need to do a Jett Travolta bit during your set at the Comedy Store this Friday. The audience will know that you are an edgy, pull-no-punches comic based on your opening bit about your grandparents having anal sex.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Even though your pilot wasn't ordered to series, there's no reason to be sad. No one knows what exactly is behind a network's decision, though they probably made their choice based on a confusing storyline, unsympathetic characters and extremely poor testing scores.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Don't get us wrong, you do look good in that Facebook photo album you posted over the weekend, but keep those photos private. It's cute when you and your friends do silly lesbian stuff for the camera, but when that real lesbian in Human Resources checks out your profile, you probably won't be getting that development assistant position.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): The weather outside might be chilly, but your romantic relationship couldn't be hotter. The sex is great, the conversation is intelligent and everything is pretty much perfect. Sure, you'll dump her the second you have any semblance of fame, but that's her problem.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): The career of David Hyde Pierce, a fellow Aries, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Your solid resume of mainstream and indie stage and screen roles will ensure you a lifetime of recognition from fans, although after seeing you in public, your admirers will immediately report to their friends that you looked sickly.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Don't worry, your film will eventually find a distributor, it just might take longer that you thought. It was disappointing that you couldn't get it out in time for 2008 awards consideration, but Nazi guilt movies are evergreen.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): All celebrity parents want their children to be unique, but you might have gone too far this time. Even though there's a cute story behind it, there's no reason to name your son after an item on the Chipotle menu.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Awards season is here and everyone has a theory about who should win. That's all well and good, but stop telling all of your co-workers that Richard Jenkins is your "sleeper pick" for Best Actor. The only thing worse than someone who has to give everyone her opinion is having to listen to it again over the cubicle wall.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Don't be discouraged about your weak writing skills. They say that true mastery is only achieved after 10,000 hours of practice, and though you've only been working at it for thirty minutes, your screenplay is already marginally better.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): It was a great Holiday season for you, gift-wise. You got everything you wanted: Blackberry Storm smartphone, MacBook Pro computer and some spending cash from your grandparents. But that New Year's Eve make-out session with Brody Jenner? That's the greatest gift of all.
Libra (September 23 - October 23): You were a distracted executive assistant in 2008 and you need to regain your boss's trust. Bury the past and move forward, and don't forget to pick-up his cat's medicine or you'll be paying for another pet cemetery plot.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Among your group of friends, you have always fashioned yourself as the Randy Jackson, a consensus-builder with a level head and a gregarious nature. Sadly, you have been wrong: You are the the over-the-top rude, unnecessarily critical Simon Cowell. Still, It's better than being the Paula.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): You think too much with your head and not enough with your heart. Common sense says that the financials for your studio show a company deeply in the red with no chance for recovery during a period of economic contraction, but your heart wants you to keep the doors open so your employees can make a living. Screw your heart, all it got you was three divorces and two bypass surgeries.