Join us as we liveblog tonight's Golden Globes, the awards ceremony that Hollywood has begun to take semi-seriously (though not seriously enough to actually air it live in the town it's designed to honor).
11:02: And we're out! Where's the Bollywood dance number? The least the Globes could do is have a poop-covered Christine Lahti emerge from the bathroom to claim Tom Cruise's autograph!
10:59: And the winner of Best Motion Picture Drama is Slumdog MillionZZZZ. The only thing unpredictable about the win is how bedazzled the producing team's tuxedos are.
10:53: Rourke's plastic surgery-correcting plastic surgery has really settled nicely. Wait, our screen just blanked out as Rourke called Darren Aronofsky "one tough mother—" We'll just assume he did a near-fatal (yet triumphant!) Ram Jam.
10:52: "Mickey Rourke, Mickey Rourke! Whose wallet chain are you wearing?"
10:49: Every gay at this party is tangentially connected to someone on-screen. Someone's parents are friends with Nicole Kidman's mother! The boy we're dating is the second cousin of Joan from Mad Men! The dude in the kitchen personally applied the sequins to Best Actor winner Mickey Rourke's scarf! It never ends (much like this ceremony).
10:43: Rainn Wilson introduced himself self-effacingly as a "TV actor." Now. Mad Men wins TV Drama. Oooh, Elisabeth Moss is there! Can't wait for the inevitable Page Six story on her weepy backstage confrontation with former Speed-the-Plow costar Jeremy Piven.
10:38: Mark Wahlberg Talks (Shit About Gabriel Byrne) to Cameron Diaz! The Best Actress Globe goes to Kate Winslet. Now, when we make jokes about her pair of Golden Globes, we'll be forced to be more specific.
10:31: Sacha Baron Cohen is introduced as the star of Bruno, and we can barely believe the HFPA didn't use the Defamer-appended subtitle. The Comedy winner? Vicky Cristina Barcelona! Drew Barrymore approves. The Globe is accepted by, uh, a sparkly Donna Pescow?
10:30: Salma Hayek faces a cavalier crowd willing to natter on through her awards show patter. Talk in rapid, authoritative Spanish, Salma!
10:21: Sandra Bullock breaks her "Flemish" hymen on air, an act that earns the ceremony an abrupt MA rating.
10:15: Scalpings, Parte Tres: Emma Thompson has absconded with Glenn Close's Damages lace-front. Best Director? Danny Boyle, for Slumdog Millionaire.
10:14: Oh, these He's Just Not That Into You commercials! "He Myspaced me!" "Don't cyber-stalk him!" Can we have some Geocities jokes? God, isn't it a pain when you want to email your distant fiancee but AOL keeps giving you a busy modem signal?
10:04: At the podium now, Spielberg comments on the superfluous Golden Globe award redesign (kind of like those CG'd-to-death E.T. reissue clips that played during the montage).
10:02: Joan Crawford gets more face time in this Spielberg montage then either The Terminal or The Lost World.
9:57: Seriously? One more hour? The ceremony sacrifices its breakneck speed to give an honorary award to severely undervalued auteur Steven Spielberg.
9:45: Kate Beckinsale (or Sally Hawkins? We're not sure!) is terrified of Sean Combs.
9:43: "When I used to listen to ABBA as a wee, hairy-chested eight-year-old," Pierce Brosnan overshares, "I had no idea I would one day star in a movie that desecrates those songs. Who knew that was even possible?"
9:32: A disheveled, mutton-chopped Paul Giamatti wins Best TV Actor for John Adams and calls out Tom Wilkinson as a Camel Lights pusher. He then goes back to his hunch-shouldered work sending the Russians into space.
9:22: Ledger-hating presenter Amy Poehler hands an award to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock, who displays his comedy prowess by telling a Rumer Willis non-joke that the confused audience decides they should probably laugh at anyway.
9:21: Simon Beaufoy wins Best Screenplay for Slumdog Millionaire! We weren't aware this award was given to first halves of screenplays.
9:19: The whittled-down Seth Rogen is in serious danger of resembling his stick figure stand-in on the Zack and Miri poster.
9:12: Best Actress in a TV Drama or Miniseries winner Laura Linney should really be thanking HD rather than HBO. Them cheeks are luminous!
9:10: The scalpings continue: Shirley MacLaine has stolen Clay Aiken's hair.
9:05: Tom Brokaw, sounding more like Barbara Walters every year.
8:57: Amy Poehler: Not that big a fan of Supporting Actor winner Heath Ledger!
8:55: Proud mother Demi Moore gives a shout-out to Miss Golden Globe, her daughter Rumer. Mother/daughter knee lifts at Dr. Lipshitz's this Tuesday!
8:54: Drew Barrymore has scalped Angie Dickinson. That is all.
8:50: Three degrees of Jake Gyllenhaal! One of this viewing party's gays (don't you have some at yours?) reveals that his husband tutored the on-screen Jake Gyllenhaal in math at age 17.
8:47: Sally: Rebecca Hall and Kate Beckinsale called. They want their face and dramatic brunette updo back.
8:45: Sally Hawkins wins Best Actress in a Comedy for Happy-Go-Lucky! It seems like an impressive achievement until you realize she was competing against Meryl Streep not for Doubt but for Mamma Mia.
8:41: Haha, Wall-E director Andrew Stanton is virtually out of his seat and at the podium before they actually announce that he's won the Animated Film award.
8:39: Ricky Gervais (drink in hand!) continues his awards show trek, despite being a noted Oscar-eschewer. Awards ceremonies, he's just not that into you. (Sorry, the pervasive commercials have finally demolished our defenses. Who wants to make an appletini date at the Arclight?).
8:35: Zachary Quinto just surged past Zac Efron in the night's Skinny Tie Sweepstakes. Gentlemen, it's not too late to rock a bolo! Anna Paquin wins the presented prize, for Best Profanity-Laden Reaction to Finding Out That Your Second Love Interest Can Lick His Own Balls.
8:33: Best Actor in a TV Drama goes to Gabriel Byrne over Michael C. Hall. How many sisters does a guy have to fuck for a Golden Globe in this town?
8:29: Eva Mendes (who's clearly been buying turquoise necklaces from Tuba City jewelry shop owner Whoopi Goldberg) brings out HFPA president Jorge Camara, who is introduced to weirdly specific Cuban music. All right then.
8:27: Don Cheadle gets the introduction he's worked his whole life for: "And now, the star of upcoming film Hotel for Dogs!"
8:15: A hearty, hale Jeremy Piven loses the supporting actor TV prize to Tom Wilkinson for John Adams. Golden Globe producers celebrate the moment by cutting to the 30 Rock table, where a blond to the right of Alec Baldwin chooses the perfect moment to solicit lip gloss from Tina Fey.
8:07: Is that hirsute mountain man Jason Priestly presenting Best Song? No, it's Sting, somehow! Miley Cyrus greets the announcement of her nomination with a Gaston-soliciting tongue extension before Bruce Springsteen is handed the prize.
8:03: "Mama's talking," complains ignored presenter Jennifer Lopez. She presents Best Supporting Actress in a Film to Kate Winslet, for The Reader. That sound you hear is Scott Rudin and Harvey Weinstein unfiring two assistants.
8:00: It's starting! As always, the Globes have chosen a terribly Zeitgeisty pop song to intro us in (in this case, from the Pussycat Dolls). Where are the revised, Globe-specific lyrics, though? Either go full-shame or go home, HFPA!
7:45: In Bruges costars Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell are being interviewed. "Who's the fat guy?" asks a friend. "Some eccentric gay billionaire who bought Colin Farrell?"
7:30: Nancy O'Dell and her minions have assembled some seemingly random celebrity pairs to interview during the pre-show: Sigourney Weaver and Beyonce! Aaron Eckhart and Rachel Griffiths! Sadly, O'Dell doesn't ask Griffiths how it feels to pass the sibling-fucking torch to her former Six Feet Under costar Michael C. Hall.
7:20: Forgive us for our late start, as we've been busy assembling a cone of silence that involves not visiting the front page of Yahoo, the IMDb, or Facebook, lest we stumble upon a spoiler crumb dropped by our more fortunate East Coast brethren. We couldn't bear it if we knew ahead of time just how that nail-biting Supporting Actor race would turn out (we've heard Heath Ledger is a dark horse!).