And The Bad Celestial Omen Goes To...

Are you sad having been left out of all the awards excitement? Now you know how Kate Winslet once felt. Don't worry, we have something for you. Accept your honor after the jump.

If today - January 12 - is your birthday: Maybe things didn't go your way at the Golden Globes, but don't fret. There's no shame in losing to such great company, especially when you can smile with restrained anger and pretend not to notice the red camera light as you wait for it to click off so you can say something nasty to your husband.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): No one likes being on a blacklist, but the ire of your fellow SAG members shook you to the core. To get some good karma going, pick up some Krispy Kreme's and Starbucks lattes and head over to the protest. If you happen by a law enforcement store, a bulletproof vest wouldn't be a bad move, either.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): The multi-million dollar publicity campaign you engineered for awards season has yet to reap dividends, but it's given you a lot of personal satisfaction. Every time you see that billboard above the Sunset Strip, you are reminded of the various joys of doing PR for film studios: the long hours, the constant heat for cost overruns, and the icing on the cake, the complete lack of recognition for your work in popularizing a film. What did Shakespeare say about dreams? Oh, who gives a shit.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Life for you is one intense time crunch after another, so take a page from Jack Bauer's playbook this week. When your assistant isn't responding to your requests, take him into a dark corner of the parking garage and do a little waterboarding. Your Sushi Roku order will never be wrong again.

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Your friends know you are a good listener, and now they need you more than ever. Lend a kind ear and you will be rewarded with the satisfaction of comforting those closest to you. If possible, do it over the phone so you can catch up on your coverage while pretending to empathize with their problems.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): That screenplay isn't going to finish itself. Buy some Red Bull, get your dad's doctor friend to prescribe you Adderall, just get it done. The world needs your personal story of dealing with an alcoholic mother and domestic/emotional abuse now more than ever.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): With American Idol returning, look for your career to get a shot in the arm. Popular entertainment is cyclical, and luckily the public appearance market for novelty AI contestants revitalizes every January.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The job hunt isn't going very well, so it's time to lean on your connection over at Universal. At minimum, he will be able to steer you toward opportunities, if not hook you up with an interview or an eventual position. It's awkward to ask for favors, but it's been a month, and he's probably forgotten that you puked Pizzeria Mozza all over him mid-coitus.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): It was a nice gesture to take your wife's last name, but beware of the annoyances it will create. Changing legal documents is a pain, not to mention the legions of stand-up comics who will give you crap about making such a 'pussy' move. The joke's on them, though. You've actually achieved something in your life.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Corporate is eliminating your co-workers one-by-one, your passion project is stuck in development hell and your husband is definitely banging the nanny. It's all so depressing, but you need to remember that life has meaning. Maybe not for you, but that executive who bought the new Bentley seems happy.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): A couple college friends will be coming into town soon and you don't want them to see that you live hand-to-mouth in Little Korea. Rent a luxury car, buy some clothes (to return later) and just spend all weekend partying. They'll return to Boston with great stories, and you'll have bought more time to get your acting career off the ground.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): The career of Bill Gates, a fellow Scorpio, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Though your talents apply more to personal computing than the entertainment industry, a lifetime of improbable success will eventually allow you to pal around with the giants of popular culture. Unfortunately, this will require you to embrace philanthropic and humanitarian endeavors, which would be the most improbable act of all.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Just because Slumdog Millionaire found success doesn't mean that your modern fable about love and poverty will find its audience. Not only does Slumdog have a tighter storyline and greater emotional heft, but no one wants to see Paris Hilton playing an epileptic bag lady who discovers she is set to inherit a fortune, if only she can find her birth records.

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