Gossip Girl pulled out all the stops last night! Dead kids! Mini-Gossip Girls! Gayness! Nate! Let me take a second to catch my breath. OK. OK. We're back. Let's dive in.
Old Billy Bass (I know this is not his name), Chuck's monkey uncle, was stirring things up at the big and important Bass Industries. You see, Chuck not only inherited 1.5 kajillionmillion Simoleons as per the will, but in a secret and legally-binding letter, Bart wished—from beyond the grave!—for Chuckles to take over the entire company. Billy Bass was very angry at this, so he devised a terrible scheme that involved references to his nephew's "pecker" and the terrification of old people. All in a day's work.
Mostly what I mean is that Billy Bass got Chaz super drunk and lady-humped the night before an important old people brunch that devoted wifey Blair had thrown. Oh it was a sad state of affairs when poor Blaironica, accompanied by important old people shareholders, saw Chuck in his office, presumably doing cocaines and motorboating Olivia Palermo or something. So Blair was sad and Billy Bass laughed ominously, ravens flying out of his eyes, and Chuck was so confused. He was confused because Billy Bass "forgot" to tell him about the "Seniors Steppin' Out, In the Late Morning!" brunch. On purpose. Chuck finally cleaned himself up and ran downstairs to the party, but it was too late. The image of Chuck doing poppers while Arden Wohl Cleveland Steams Micah Jesse is just not erasable. Chuck will lose his company! Which is what Billy Bass wanted!
Speaking of Billy, it now seems undeniable that Blair did, in fact, tap that Bass. And Billy wants it again. Which is gross because he's what, 72-years-old, and she was just born last Tuesday. If nothing else she's got a nice statutory rape case on her hands. Time to bring in ADA Bad Actress from SVU and maybe Eliot too. He might get too close to the case. So yeah. Family sexual-political strife abounded at the wind-swept manse at 12 Grimmauld Place.
In a tipi across the river, Dan and Serena couldn't stop rubbing their privates on each other, even though they're basically twins because their parents have a kid together. Well, Dan was aware of this repulsive fact, while Serena was unawares. She knew something was up, but she couldn't figure it out. Didn't she notice that when she woke up one morning, she had six fingers on each hand and no longer understood math? I guess not. Also having secret sex problems were Dan's pet wallaby Jenny and her gay elf friend, Erik. You see Jenny was becoming a primo fag hag and Erik just wanted to play butt blasters with his sex partner Jonathan. So it was annoying that Jenny was always around!
At school, the Weird Sisters knew that something was up with Dan and Serena, because they listen to everyone's conversation and don't actually have lives of their own. Nellie Yuki, still on probation for leading the Lantern Rebellion last week, decided that this was her chance to get back in the game. So, when Dan went to Dylan's Candy Bar—because who doesn't hang out at 60th and 3rd all the time? Oh wait! Bohos from Williamsburg don't!—to talk about his Kentuckian problem with Vanessa, Nellie followed along. I don't know about you, but generally when I'm in large, open-planned, well-lit spaces, I tend to notice when a Japanese high school student in a silly uniform wearing large novelty spectacles that she bought at a circus is lurking behind candy and stealing cell phones. It's just not something that goes missed. But Dan and Vanessa exist in a slight Other Dimension just a bit to the left of everyone else where everything sounds like TV static and people voluntarily go to Dylan's Candy Bar, so they didn't notice a thing. So Nellie got the dirt about the disgusting issue and then Dan ran into the peculiar little mini-Gossip Girls from an episode long past and he was revolted yet oddly turned on and so he had to leave.
Rufus and Lily were up in Boston—you could tell by the publications that Lily read. which sad intern had to sit on the Chinatown bus five hours each way to go pick up copies of the Globe and Boston magazine?—trying to find the child that Lily put in a basket and left on Mayor Menino's doorstep. It was difficult because Rufus was very angry and Lily wanted to jump his bones and they were staying in this tiny little hotel room together and ohhhhhhhh let's to be making sex love to each other! They did, but then they found out that the baby had been thrown in a sack and drowned with a bunch of kittens in the Charles River. Or something. So that was a sad, strange moment. Lily said "was he happy?" And that was touching and well done. Also well done was the shot of the couple sitting at the adoption agency, and the camera moved in on the agency guy from behind Ruf and Lil and with all the degrees on the wall behind the guy it kind of looked like a Coen Brothers shot. Did Roger Deakins do some lensing for Gossip Girl? If he hasn't already, lets hope he will.
So yeah, Orphan Andy was long dead and Rufus and Lily went back to Brooklyn, where they caught Dan and Serena giving Kristian Laliberte a Rusty Trombone. You see, Serena found out from Gossip Girl that she and Dan were basically separated Siamese twins and she didn't give a flying fuck. Erik told Jenny about his need to have gay sex with his gay sex partner, Jonathan, and Jenny was like "oh, that's cool. I kind of smell like turnips anyway. I should get that checked out." So everything was resolved. Also, nothing was resolved.
Because, you see! The wicked Boston adoptive parents lied about Lil' Rufus being dead. They wanted to keep the grown-up 19-year-old out of the nefarious custody claws that have never, nor will they ever, ensnared a 19-year-old. It made perfect sense! A cunning stratagem. So now that Rufus and Lily think that their beloved foundling is buried somewhere in austere old Mount Auburn Cemetery, they will eventually get the shock of their May Sweeps lives when a sexy, rumply entity comes wristily knocking on their door and a million mystery hearts go swooning. I, for one, can wait!
At the end of this episode, there was a huge fire and everyone died. No, I'm just kidding! But something extraordinary did, in fact, happen last night. Nate was there! Yeah, he was wearing his chestnut brown Suze Orman wig and talking about feelings and wearing trousers. At one point an assistant director just walked on camera and re-posed him. This new model is more bendable than the last, I guess. He and Vanessa are still doing Alabama Air Hammers with Dabney Mortimer, so that's nice for them.
OK. Confession time. I was super fucked up when I watched this episode, so if anything is wrong about it, sue me. I dare you.