So, oh dear. They decided to air another episode of that Real World: Brooklyn business. Yeah, I know! Weird. Anyway. I have things to say about it. Read after the j. (That means "jump"!)
We were mostly treated to Gay Panic II: 2 Fast, 2 Curious, the stirring sequel to last week's For Straight Boys Who Have Considered Blowing a Dude When the Rainbow Seems Enuf. By this I mean that Chet—the pathologically irksome platinum-headed Mormon fop—ogled over JD's (who is a homosexual person who commits homosexual sex acts) HUGE ENORMOUS KING KONG DONKEY SCHLONG CONDORMS. They were so big that Chet couldn't stop obsessing over them and complimenting JD for having A HUGE ENORMOUS SOMETHING HIDDEN 'NEATH HIS PANTS. What I mean to say is that Chet is a hormonesexual. He might be gay, he might not be. Either way, he is completely batshit head-over-heels obsessssssssed with the act of doin' it. He put one of the condoms on a banana and put it in the fishtank. Because... comedy?
Ryan, the war-stricken jokey pratfaller, mugged and galoompfed his way through things. Honestly, I would maybe kind of like him, if only he didn't have this awful habit of smirking like a little 13-year-old wiseacre every time he's just about to seem like decent person. Because they want airtime, Ryan and Chet decided that they would let JD take them to a nightclub bar lounge in Chelsea (the only part of New York that JD knows is Chelsea, evidently.) They went to XES. Yeah.
So there was a drag queen there, name a' Peppermint, and Ryan got paid $100 by one of his roommates to get a kiss from ol' Peppermint. Peppermint, wicked little minx, decided to not kiss Ryan on the cheek as was the fashion of the day, but to kiss him right square on the mouth (and suck out his soul, like they do in movies.) Ryan was so grossed out! He spit and slobbered and washed his mouth out with soap like he had just said "dagnabit" in front of his religious 1930's mother. Chet, who was wearing eyeliner and was crazily hungry for any compliments like "those gay fruits who wear assless chaps are going to eat you alive," just laughed and laughed and secretly wished it were him.
Though Ryan behaved like a fucking idiot, he wasn't hateful about it. It was like trying sushi for the first time or something. Um, but not sushi. (POOR CHOICE OF WORDS, DO YOU GET THAT JOKE?)
Then Chet's family came to visit (already?) and his mother was a tiny little ball of abject crazy as were his android blonde sisters. Where did they come from? Can Mormons teleport? They can, can't they? I knew it. Ryan and Chet went to dinner with the good Councilwoman of the Village of the Damned. They told her that JD was gay and she said "that's why he's so nice and nurturing." Which, as stereotypes go, is probably one of the better ones. Back at the house she hugged JD and said "take care of him," because he's colored and effete and therefore must be the help. Then the Mormons blinked their eyes twice and beamed back to their Space Temple and the New York Harbor dried up and left only salt.
So, Gay Happened. Then JD got super duper drunk after talking to detectives about his credit-card-stealing Papa, and came home and issued a loud, slurry tirade against immigrants of a quality not seen since Lou Dobbs had one Jack n' Ginger too many at that CNN Christmas party. Chet got really offended and white about it and there was an awkward discussion about it later that eventually devolved into a pensive staring at each other and then an inching closer. And closer. And closer. Chet could feel JD's warm breath on his face. JD placed his hand gently on Chet's chest. His eyes smiled warmly. Then JD grabbed Chet around the waist and kissed him deeply. Before they knew it they were tearing each other's clothes off, not caring who saw. And then Chet woke up. In the middle of the night. Alone in his bed. He wept. Lonely and bitter tears.
Kumbaya wanted to be a dancer and the Brooklyn Hip Hop Conservatory School for Girls or whatever wanted some attention so she auditioned badly and they accepted her. But she turned it down because... it seemed like work? It wasn't entirely clear.
Also, did you know that Katelynn is a transgender person? Did you know that? Oh, you did. Would you like her to tell you again? 'Cause she will. And then she will hug the little Boston Terrier, Scotty, and he will chuckle like the nice boy he is while also feeling a little gross. That's just the truth.
At the very end of the episode a giant crab broke into the loft and ate everyone.