Josh Brolin's Drunk-Ish Awards Tour Steamrolls Whoopi Goldberg, Richard Jenkins

Whether or not Josh Brolin was drunk again last night's NBR ceremony, his speech featured so much gin-soaked verisimilitude that we fully expected him to end it by slur-shouting, "Josh Brolin's got issues!"

While he didn't call Russell Crowe an "asshole" this time, nor flirtatiously butter up Sean Penn, Brolin did manage to fire off a verbal fusillade at several of the assembled celebrities, says Vulture:

"Josh Brahlin," he drawled when he took the podium at the National Board of Review awards ceremony, mimicking host Whoopi Goldberg's mispronunciation of his name. "That's how fucking famous I am... I just whispered in her ear, I said, 'What the fuck is the matter with you?' And she goes, 'I don't know. I'm high.'...I know that ninety percent of you right now are going, what’s he going to say?"

He introduced The Visitor's Richard Jenkins, the Spotlight Award winner, as a Hollywood newcomer: "It’s amazing that he’s just in his early twenties, yet he portrayed Professor Walter Vale as a man in his late fifties, early sixties, with such conviction and grace... We’re all on the edge of our seats as to what he’ll do next." Also, he marveled at the fact that Jenkins has starred in "in excess of fifty movies in the past three years," calling the actor a virtuoso whose talent surpassed that of Day-Lewis, Crowe, DiCaprio, "and of course, Clint Eastwood, wherever you are, who many also think is in his sixties or seventies, but who is really 32." Brolin further noted that 2008 was a great year for Jenkins, "the sexiest man alive, a tireless spokesperson for Rogaine, opening up new pathways for the future of acting." He paused dramatically, and then said, "Okay, that’s all the funny shit."

Suddenly, we've just imagined an Oscar ceremony where the stars align so we can see random, blubbering speeches from all four acting winners (Brolin, Mickey Rourke, and a twice-honored Kate Winslet). Sorry, Heath Ledger—we'd rather throw our support behind the only nominee likely enough to swig from a flask onstage and aggressively mumble, "Hugh Jackman's our host, folks. Give him a hand. What, they couldn't get Josh Hartnett?"