Airbus Orchestrating Convoluted Assassination-by-Bird Plot

Is it time for a new Air Force One? Not the shoes, obv—those are classics—but the plane? One anti-American company says yes!

As we all know from the classic film Air Force One, the president flies around the world on a specially equipped Boeing 747 with a lot of TVs and a parachute bay and bulletproof walls and some colored wires that dump most but not all the fuel if you cut the right one (green).

But Airbus would like to give Barack Obama a new plane! Airbus is preparing to offer the incoming president an A380 superjumbo. The only problem? Boeing made the current plane, and they are, of course, an American airplane company and major defense contractor (based in Chicago, no less!), and the Airbus A380 is Europe's flagship jet. Of course this is why Airbus waited until Frenchy Euro-loving foreigner Obama was in office before making the offer, because Bush wouldn't have accepted a dumb European plane.

Airbus also claims their plane—the biggest in the world!—is more fuel-efficient than the 747, but, as we all learned just yesterday, Airbus planes are decided not bird-proof. Can we trust our president's life to an Airbus plane? A pigeon could take him down!