One Of Oprah's Favorite Things: Crack?

It's not just you: We all tend to put our life-fulfillment-guru talk-show deities on a pedestal. We ask, then, that you hold on tightly to your sweater capes as we relay the following:

An explosive National Enquirer exclusive features excerpts from a book written by Randolph Cook—an alleged ex-lover of Oprah Winfrey—in which he claims his esophageal cancer was caused by countless romantic nights smoking crack with Oprah in the 1980s. [Ed. note: Smoking crack can do that? Fuck.]

They detail how he became a card-carrying member of Oprah's Rock Club:

Cook, 51, also claims the media mogul taught him how to smoke crack cocaine, and the two "freebased" the drug regularly during their passionate six-month romance and the talk show titan "was still under the influence while doing her show." ... Court papers back up Cook's shocking drug allegations about Oprah!

The document, titled "Defendant Oprah Winfrey's Answer to Plaintiff's Amended Complaint At Law," reveals: "Defendant admits that she and Cook had sexual relations." And it also says: "Defendant admits that Cook used cocaine in her presence and that she used cocaine while Cook was present."

According to the Enquirer's story, Oprah had already admitted to audiences that she had tried the drug in the '70s. These new freebasing allegations, however, suggest the unthinkable: That the talk show host was high on synthetic potato crisp crack as she was beamed into millions of U.S. homes. If there's even a puff of truth to this, we can only hope she's long since overcome her addiction—as the last thing we need to find in our mailbox is an all-crack-themed issue of O touting, "THE TIME IS NOW: GET THE MOST OUT OF EVERY HIT," and "ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL CRACKER? TAKE OUR QUIZ."