Tom & Katie Are Here Forever...

I know you were worried she'd leave, but it looks as though Katie Holmes might be staying here in New York for good. And she's keeping Tom with her.

  • Tom Cruise, that is. The Nazi killin' alien apologist will likely make New York his new home base because his beloved child bride Katie would like to stay. Everyone welcome your new neighbors by staying at least 50 feet away from them at all times. [Digital Spy]
  • Joaquin Phoenix, who retired from his special brand of whine n' grumble acting to pursue a music career, is going to become a rapper. And there will be a telling documentary all about his journey, directed by his pal Casey Affleck. I guess Amber Waves was busy. [P6]
  • In preparation for going undercover in the Mafia, an FBI agent learned Italian pronunciation of food words from Giada DeLaurentis. He was promptly murdered. [P6]
  • Sundance sounds like an absolute nightmare. [Gatecrasher]
  • Lonely and miserable Jennifer Aniston is begging John Mayer to marry her. It started out kind of cute, then became kind of sad, and now John swears he can see a flash of something dark and murderous in the actress's eyes when she lowers her voice and growls "Marry meeee." [Showbiz Spy]
  • Old drunken slur of a person Courtney Love wants her daughter to date the sexy vampire from Twilight. She saw him in the movie or something and figured she was just looking through a big window. After swatting at some birds that she thought were flying at her, she fell in love with the nice boy with the glitterskin and called up Frances Bean and said "Mommy's met a vampire in the window room and you should date him, oh no hold on we're driving somewhere now." [Showbiz Spy]
  • Kate Moss turned 35 and had a big medieval party that involved a moose head and really loud 80's music. All the neighborhood orphans were kept awake by the din. Early in the morning, Moss was mortally wounded in a jousting match with Pixie Geldof. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Because they are wonderful people, noted McCain supporters Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt—a fake couple from reality show The Hills that hate each other so much in real life that sometimes blood trickles out of their ears—were spotted riding bicycles and wearing Barack Obama T-shirts over the weekend. Yes. Because Barack Obama T-shirts are going to be all the rage six months ago. [TMZ]