Barack Obama is your new President, and we have liveblogged it. Enjoy.
We just wrote that little guide to the news networks covering this mess of hope, but now we have no idea which channel to subject ourselves to for your lulz. CNN? Probably.
1:00 2 million people apparently! Perhaps now we'll move on to some other post, about whatever the hell just happened, today.
12:59 GET TO THE CHOPPER, BUSH. There he goes! Yay! Now what? Peggy Noonan is saying insane things about Reagan and Nancy flying around in a loop, over the White House, and Ronnie said something crazy, to Nancy, and Peggy swooned. And hah everyone is singing "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" to the helicopter.
12:52 Obama basically called for a complete repudiation of everything Bush did and stood for and now he is personally walking him to the helicopter to make sure he leaves and doesn't come back.
12:50 Former Vice President Dick "Big Lebowski" Cheney is being wheeled to his lair. They're piling him into a black car and sending him to a farm when he can run around all day with other former Vice Presidents. Like Mondale.
12:49 Everyone is now pointing out that John Roberts totally fucked up the Oath of Office. "John Roberts had one job to do today and he sorta screwed it up." It's even shorter than the Vice President's Oath! Obama just laughed at him. This is just the beginning of their beautiful friendship we're sure.
12:41 Barack Obama is now taking Bush to a helicopter. That helicopter will take him to Andrews Air Force Base—or so Bush thinks! Actually it's headed straight for the Portsmouth Naval Prison. J/k it's just taking him home to Dallas or wherever he'll drink away the pain for the next couple years.
12:38 Yes, the rhyming bit! And the Amens! Now the anthem, and then the President gets to go back inside.
12:36 Sasha and Malia, put your gloves on! It's cold!
12:33 Oh man Joseph P. Lowery. Wow. Remember at Coretta Scott King's funeral when he mentioned how Bush lied about the Weapons of Mass Destruction? This is the kind of God-talk that we can enjoy at our supposedly secular nation's special parties.
12:29 It is nice to have this quiet woman read this quiet little poem after all that 21-gun salute quasi-regal "Hail to the Chief" inspiration and elevated rhetoric stuff. "Say it plain: that many have died for this day." President Obama is making a serious face but Michelle seems to be paying attention. We enjoyed that! Benediction time!
12:26 Christ. Goosebumps.
12:19 The "non-believers" got a shout-out!
12:14 While Obama reminded us that we shouldn't give up our essential liberties for the sake of those temporary securities Bush looked a little petulant. Or maybe just cold.
12:12 Guys can you even believe this guy is the actual President now? Look, WhiteHouse.gov changed over at 12 noon precisely we were reloading it!
12:10 This is kind of a retread of Jimmy Carter's malaise speech, so far! Now we are on the "we chose hope over fear" bit.
12:08 Ok, here we go. Here is your speech. Bush thanks gets polite applause.
12:06 PRESIDENT OBAMA WE WON HOORAY!!! The Marine Band sounded like they were going to play the Star Wars theme but that is just how "Hail to the Chief" starts it turns out!
12:04 Time for the Oath of Office, even though Obama is already president, because of the Constitution. Haha wait he's screwing up the Oath. He's not qualified to be president!
12:00 Wait a minute. Now Joe Biden is the Vice President. NO MORE CHENEY! YAY! But: Obama is not yet president? And there is some classical music now? How can Yo-Yo Ma play his cello during a Constitutional crisis of this magnitude? The Bush/Biden ticket won!
11:59 The Lincoln Bible is HUGE. Almost Aretha's hat bow-sized huge. Did Lincoln have three testaments?
11:58 Important email from Mom! Subject: "WHAT IS MICHELLE OBAMA WEARING?" A: "Michelle Obama chose an embroidered yellow coat and matching dress by the designer Isabel Toledo for the inauguration."
11:57 "Every gay guy in America just had an orgasm. Truth." -Owen, re. Aretha's hat. What a hat. A hat that bodes well for the next four years. Oh, here comes Joe Biden. That Dr. Jill Biden is adorable.
11:55 The little CNN thing on the bottom says: "FACT: Legendary soul singer Aretha Franklin is performing 'My Country 'Tis of Thee.'" Thanks, CNN. That is a very interesting fact. Another fact: Legendary soul singer Aretha Franklin's hat is awesome.
11:54 Well we missed the rest of the Invocation and got the TV on just in time for Aretha Franklin, so maybe we have been wrong about this God character this whole time?
11:50 HAH there was a manhole fire on our block, and the ConEd truck just pulled up, and then our power went out. We'll get the TV back on in a second, let us know if Warren says anything about the queers.
11:48 Here comes Rick Warren! The hope is... already fading. Scattered applause and either a "whoo" or a "boo," there. Hard to tell. He is not even an inspiring speaker, this Warren character.
11:45 Obama's here! Yay! Now all of our problems are solved! Dianne Feinstein is here to inaugurate him. "in a world where political strife is too often settled with violence," one man stands between good and evil. He's a fish out of water in a capital he didn't create.
11:42 Honestly Dick Cheney looks more like Ironside.
11:39 Ha, who is doing the PA announcements here? It sounds like a monster truck rally's coming to the Capitol this SUNDAY. Vice President-elect Smilin' Joe Biden is not smiling right now, reports Wolf.
11:36 Bush, Cheney, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner. There is hissing and people are throwing rotted fruit. (Not really but in our dreams, obv.)
11:35 Cheney in a wheelchair! He "hurt his back" "moving" "boxes," they say. Brokaw apparently just compared him to Dr Strangelove.
11:33 Oh god why do we need to hear Bill Bennett's opinion on anything? Does he have a nickel on Obama's speech to beat the spread? Wonderful, and David Gergen. Everyone is talking about slaves.
11:29 The whole thing is running late, of course, but Barack Obama magically becomes President at noon even if he hasn't been sworn in yet. Anderson Cooper: "Not every President has a poet." Good to know.
11:28 Laura Bush and Lynne Cheney and some other Republican ladies are here! (Elaine Chao! Remember her? History won't!)
11:25 Malia and Sasha! Yay! Soledad O'Brien's kids are watching them closely, "watching what they're wearing and how they're doing their hair." We aren't entirely sure if Soledad's kids could adopt the Obama girls' hairstyles but maybe?
11:21 Hah, the Moving Van in back of the White House. God bless it. Big cheers for Bill and Hillary!
11:19 Former president intro time! Aw, the Carters. Bush Sr. is looking a bit wobbly today. Why do they make them all sit outside in the cold? They're so old.
11:16 Fun fact: John Cornyn and David Vitter are working together to make sure Hillary is not confirmed as Secretary of State today. She doesn't look that pissed about it. Bill looks fine too. That is all the Clinton Body Language analysis we will engage in today.
11:14 George H. W. Bush is wearing... two scarves? One is yellow and one is purple. It's an amazing combination. Go Vikings?
11:10 Oh god CNN isn't doing a hologram they have "ordered a live shot of the mall from space," according to Wolf, so you will "see what this would look like if you were flying above, from space." Why? Why space? Look, Dan Quayle and Al Gore are here. Good. But why space?
11:08 Here is an inspiring video! There will be many of those today. You can stream the whole thing online at Wonkette if you want. If you're into that kind of thing.
11:06: In a couple minutes, the Marine Corps Band will play "Hail to the Chief" to President Bush for the very last time ever. After today every time Bush enters a room the band will play "I Can't Go For That" by Hall and Oates.
11:05 Hah Anderson Cooper just said the only times the three branches of government all play a role, at the same time, is inaugurals and impeachments. He has been watching Schoolhouse Rock!
11:02: Wolf Blitzer says we should listen to the Marine Corps band for a second. Oh god remember how the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is that smug little prick John Roberts? Jesus. We'll be paying for this for years. Wait, one of the justices isn't attending? Which one? Alito?