American Blacks Blamed For British Squirrel Genocide

While America was celebrating hope and inclusion and being awesome, British media and academia were conspiring to blame our black squirrels for stealing the lovers and food of delicate native reds. RACIST.

In the most egregious case of animal profiling since the Africanized "killer" bee caused mass hysteria in the U.S., a professor at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, England determined that the black squirrels are wiping out their beloved native squirrel. The natives have red hair like proper Europeans, while the blacks came from America during the late 1880s. In addition to the reds, the black squirrels are also wiping out the more common "greys," also considered terrible impure foreign interlopers.

The British tabloids are all over the sensational findings. "Squirrel's dark legacy," intoned the Daily Mail headline.

The testosterone-fueled black squirrels are faster, fitter, fiercely territorial and more aggressive, beating greys to food and mates.

It is a subgroup of the same species of squirrel as greys but in some areas has already become the dominant variety.

It could provide an even bigger threat to our native species of red squirrel, which had already been almost wiped out by greys.

Sadly, the British findings only confirm the observations of the Euro gentrifiers in Stuyvesant Town's squirrel-overrun Peter Cooper Village, who described the black squirrels' supposedly aggressive tactics in the Observer last year:

On a recent Sunday afternoon, some of the residents discussed the distinguishing behavior of black squirrels.

"The black squirrels like to bully the gray ones," said a woman with a European accent. "They think they are the minks of the squirrels."

Enough with the shady squirrel stereotypes, foreigners! How about just telling us if these black squirrels are more delicious than the greys we'll all soon be eating in the depression?