The Downside of the First Couple's Celebrity StatusS

John McCain was indeed right. Barack Obama, our glorious just-out-of-the-box new president, is nothing more than a common celebrity. Just look at today's famous person gossip rags.

The new cover of Star magazine has giddy speculation that Michelle Obama might be pregnant in the top right corner. They're hoping for a boy! Presumably so the new son of the Dark Prince will reign for a thousand years, bringing Husseinism to the land while throwing your money at lazy people. Yes, Michelle Obama's uterus has joined Angelina and Jen's as a tabloid topic of speculation.

Then TMZ asks us "Did Barack and Michelle ... You Know ... Do It?" And, let's be honest, we all wondered it as we watched them slow dance over and over again, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, but still. Sheesh. Presidents and First Ladies don't "do it." They "boff austerely" or give each other a "dignified rodgering." The phrase "doin' it" should be reserved for guttersnipes like the Jonas Brothers (who First Kids Malia and Sasha met again last night.). For what it's worth—which is nothing—we don't think they did. They looked "exhausted" at the last of their many Inaugural Balls. TMZ readers disagree with us, though. A resounding 73% of them think that the First Couple did, in fact, thoughtfully knock boots.

And if it wasn't already bad enough, we learned this morning that some American author living in England has written a Barack Obama musical. You know who else had a British musical written about them? Jerry Springer. Sad.

Obviously all the buzziness will die down soon enough, once people become inured to a nation presided over not by a snickering, unrelatable elf but a young, coltish sex bomb. I mean, everyone stopped clamoring over JFK's celebrity sex life eventually, didn't they? Oh. Oh right.