Baya & Ryan: Save the Last Email
Baya is the hip-hop honky with a flat-faced heart of gold and Ryan is the shaggy, been-told-he's-funny-all-his-life-but-really-isn't boy from rural Pee Ayy. Being the two whitest straight people in the house, they've naturally begun a flirtation that involves goofy touching and joking and rolling around on beds together and, uh oh, Ryan being uppity and weird and insisting on reminding her that he has a girlfriend wasting away back home somewhere in the dungeons of the Keystone. First it was at a bar—Angels & Kings, they promoted heavily—when Kumbaya started sexgrinding with him (or whatever, it involved her mashing her hand into his face. doesn't that always turn you on, boys?) He got upset and gurgled to her "remember... I have a girlfriend" because, in this post-Twilight world of dashing young men and the girls who must be careful not to turn them on lest the men do something awful that would be all the girls' fault, it was up to Kumbaya to stay away from him. Terrific! Then, after they went to a jokey pole dance class and Ryan made jokes that were "funny" when gawky but curiously confident boys from your 10th grade English class made them but are not at all now, Ryan sent an email to the lass saying, again, "I have a girlfriend... I'm not ruling you out... Just not right now... So put a cork in it and I'll get to you when I'm ready." Which. Blargh. Baya doesn't like him all that much, she just likes the attention, and she'll probably rumpleflop into his pants further on down this cobbly Red Hook road. Also, terrible confession time: I'm mayyyyybe starting to find Ryan a little cute. Shoot me in the face, please.
Scotty Hampshah and Devyn: Jungle Heaver
The heaving is her bosom, which Scotty lovingly calls the Silicon Valley. Aw. So, yeah! Scotty finally got some screen time. Sadly, though, it involved him standing shirtless in a kitchen, holding raw chicken and saying that it would make an awesome sound if he slapped someone with it. I mean, I know exactly what he means and he is completely right, but c'mon. You're on camera. Anyway, Devyn (who I am increasingly liking, if only because she seems relatively normal and nice and not a mess) made her patented BFF-O-Meter™ that charts how they're going from friends who google-eye each other to friends who eventually make lovely origami of their genitals. BUTTTTTTTTTT, record skip! Scotty brought along his sexy tall model friend when JD dragged everyone to Elmo, because that is the only restaurant he knows. (Or, more likely, the only restaurant that will let them film.) Devyn was not feeling it and told Scotty that he should date a black girl, but it didn't matter anyway because Chet was chetting up the model (unsuccessfully, see below) and it was later revealed that Scotty is in love with a girl back home and he had kind of lied about it. Devyn handled it well and the whole thing was pleasant. Scotty's plotline on the show has now come to an end.
Chet Chetterson and the Mingly Model: Under the Banner of Devyn
Oh for the love of God (who lives on a space planet and is waiting... for YOU). The Mormon Chet thought he and Mingly Sue had good chemistry ("I mean, she's a model and I'm Chet." see clip above), which was completely sad. So after Elmo, Chet decided to pretend he was drunk or something and started slurring little come ons to ol' Sue, while Devyn watched bemusedly. At one point he purred to Kumbaya that he'd never seen a yellow polka-dot bikini and then he flexed his pec. Literally. As if he were the Sexy Hunk in some B 80's movie about girls who get a job working at a gym in Hollywood for the summer. (It could star Haviland Morris and be called Workin' It). So that was terrible and Mingly Sue couldn't care less about Chet, whose entire face is the same terrifying shade of clear. At the end Devyn said to Mingly: "Aww, you broke his little heart." It was true. This kid is such a dingus. I can't deal with it.
Katelynn T. and the Band Geek: For the Boys
Katelynn was super upset because her boyfriend back in Missoula wasn't being very communicative. She had a long talk with the girl from San Francisco whose name might be Sarah about how boys are and about how girls are and the fact that they were talking so casually and traditionally about gender and Katelynn herself used to be one and is now the other was either really great and, like, progress! Or it was just sort of squirmy and maybe I chuckled a little too loudly and then felt awful about myself. So, whatever. ANYWAY, Katelynn got drunk at Angels & Kings and danced with otha boys and kissed otha girls and whoohoo! Later she went on a date with a boy from a band. They went to the Lower East Side. They walked and talked and she didn't mention her wicked secret (that she doesn't know how to spell Caitlin.) Eventually, though, she decided that she didn't want to date him. So she cried about the boy back home and I wondered, because I'm a dreadful person, if maybe he got scared about being outed as dating a transgendered person and decided to break it off without, you know, telling her. Hopefully that's not the case.
So that was the episode, basically. I mean, there was stuff about how they want to be shitty musicians and shitty dancers and shitty "hosts," and they all mostly failed. The other people, JD and Maybe Sarah, didn't do much. I will say. You know. It's nice. It's real nice that MTV maybe finally found some tiny horcrux of its soul and said "let's cool it with the drinking and the slimy fucking." This season is tame and vaguely... smart. I mean, smarter than the past ten or so seasons. So good for them.
At the very end of the episode, there was a great whirring and the loft disappeared with everyone inside it. But to where? Or, to when??