Scripted television episode titles are usually puns, inside jokes or formulaic (Friends' "The One...", Scrubs' "My...") and not worth mentioning, but the aforementioned title of tonight's Supernatural takes this trivial practice to the sublime.


Supernatural [9 PM, CW] - In tonight's episode, affectionately titled "Criss Angel Is a Douche Bag," a formerly famous magician (Barry Bostwick) living in a small town makes a deal to acquire real magical powers and pays a heavy price for it when a murder occurs. One of our New Year's resolutions is to watch the CW more, and despite the Gruyère visual FX, this horror-ish series has moments of wit and a sweet black Impala that gets them from town to town as they investigate paranormal stuff. You had us at "douche bag."

Burn Notice [USA, 10 PM] - In the third season premiere, bad-ass ex-operative Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan) helps a single father (David Barry Gray), who lost his money to con men promising a miracle cure for his son. If watching pretty people do spy stuff in Florida isn't enough for you to avoid Private Practice, then we have two words for you: Bruce Campbell. There's no reason to go into his extensive bio, but we'll summarize his body of work by saying he's the Walter Brennan for the syndicated television-schlock horror generation: He appears in pretty much everything, chews the scenery with his mouth open, peaces out.


Kath & Kim [8:30 PM, NBC] - It was sad to hear that NBC gave K&K its own burn notice to make way for the Amy Poehler vehicle, but we're keeping our chins up. Tonight, Kath (Molly Shannon) helps Kim (Selma Blair) go after her dream career of becoming a local anchorwoman. Craig (Mikey Day) hits Phil's (John Michael Higgins) car. Let the malapropisms, incorrect pop culture references and bad advice flow!

Atlantic City Hookers [8 PM, HBO] - Vegas is considering legalizing prostitution again, so it's time we all enlightened ourselves on how this important source of tax revenue actually works, as there are more to whores that just those Hispanic dudes snapping escort service cards in front of Harrah's. This sexy documentary takes a look at the pros who work "America's favorite playground." We are privy to all propositions, negotiations and actual tricks courtesy of hidden cameras and microphones. Most skin-service documentaries stop short of that kind of audience intimacy, but these creepy dudes from Philly and the Jersey Shore were willing to sign the HBO release forms.


Grey's Anatomy [9 PM, ABC] - On the realz, can Eric Stoltz please die soon? Not even ESPN2's Australian Open coverage is immune from promos highlighting Bailey's tense "I need you to put down the scalpel," mucus-recirculating, messenger-it-directly-to-the-A.T.A.S. monologue. Yes, it's a tough decision: The kid needs the organs from the death row serial killer (Stoltz) and there are all kinds of ethical and moral issues making everyone all verklempt, but seriously, folks. Grey's Anatomy works better when the hired guns are like Law & Order guest-stars: John Larroquette comes in, works five days, plays some kind of gay media tycoon who had his lover killed to keep the conglomerate's stock afloat, and then gets pwned in the courtroom.