America Picks 'Blart'

What color is your Monday morning misery? Pink slip? Blue pregnancy-test result? Black asymmetrical mole? Desaturate the pain with some box office numbers:

1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop — $21.5 million
Stunning industry watchers by landing in the top slot for the second week in a row, Kevin James's paean to the quiet heroism of obese, shopping-center rent-a-cops is clearly reaching beyond its target audience, now luring Slumdog Millionaire fans curious to learn more about the shirtless, exotic Indian boy in the commercials who says, "Peanut Blart and jelly—wha-wha-wha-what's up man?"

2. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans — $20.7 million
Hollywood's Year of the Werewolf kicked off with the shlock excesses of this Underworld prequel. Perhaps they needed the presence of franchise vamp-slut Kate Beckinsale more than they realized, however, as Rise came in nearly $6 million lower than the series's last installment, Underworld: Battle for Selene's Undead Bazoombas.

3. Gran Torino — $16 million
Despite Oscar unzipping his pants and taking a golden shower all over Clint Eastwood's latest offering, audiences continue to flock to this story about a septuagenarian who gets swept up in a Hmong gang war, then tragically blows away a neighborhood grandmother with his smoking finger-guns after getting momentarily confused about color-codes.

5. Slumdog Millionaire — $10.55 million
The expansion of this Oscar favorite to 1,411 screens proved a huge success for Danny Boyle's audience-pleaser, leading a thrilled Fox Searchlight to declare today International Blind-a-Street-Urchin-with-Hot-Lead Day. Go out and enjoy it!

7. Inkheart — $7.725 million
Yet another turkey from the Delgo school of Shitty-Looking Family Fantasies with Weird Titles and 0% Tracking, not even Dame Helen Mirren's involvement could save Inkheart, whose paltry showing ($9 million shy of what we predicted) led Warner exec VP of domestic distribution Jeff Goldstein to admit, "We’re disappointed. We wish the opening would have been bigger, but I think it was always going to be this type of result. Unfortunately, the audience wasn’t excited to see it.” Aww. That's sad. We're sad for Inkheart!