The Following Takes Place Between 4pm Tequila Shots and 5 O'Clock Shadows:S

What do you get Kiefer Sutherland for his birthday? Apparently, not a transvestite stripper—the National Enquirer says he's already had one of those.

Somehow, says the magazine, friends of the actor managed to sneak a mysterious adult performer through Sutherland's booze-soaked perimeter on his most recent birthday. However, there was something about this stripper that wouldn't take a hastily improvised torture session to reveal:

A source told the National Enquirer magazine: "The lights dimmed and raunchy blues music blared. A nearly naked blonde bombshell slinked in the room, shoved Kiefer down on a chair and began dancing. But at the moment of truth, when Kiefer expected the stripper to remove her leopard print teddy, 'she' ripped off her wig!"

Kiefer was lost for words and hastily pushed the stripper off his lap, much to the amusement of his friends.

The source added: "Kiefer's jaw dropped and he shoved the she-male away as his pals collapsed screaming. He looked angry for a moment, but soon regained his manners and spoke cordially to the stripper."

Ashamed at his inability to uncover a highly-placed gender mole before it was too late, Sutherland promptly went rogue, demanding answers from some of the more leathery women seated at the bar of his favorite watering hole, Ye Rustic Inn. "DAMMIT!" he barked. "Is that your natural, male baritone, or did you earn that voice through thirty years of breakfast bourbon and Camel Lights?"