Tough as it is to believe, recent leopardskin-belt double-cinching victim Jessica Simpson was once the star of her own weight-loss video.

Shot in 2005, the taping was a reported disaster (MNSBC reported she showed up drunk), and svendaddy Joe Simpson blocked all sales of the tape, resulting in Speedfit owner Alex Astilean suing the Simpsons for $10 million for breach of contract.

An anonymous tipster with a possible axe to grind sent us some of the Speedfit shoot footage. It starts promisingly enough, with Simpson telling us she's here "to introduce you to the Speedfit system." Things fly off the rails soon after, however, when system mastermind Astilean poses a brain-collapsing imponderable: "Do you ever see horses doing a marathon?" (Asked, we suspect, to literally confuse the pounds away.)


Then the recorded voice of David Levin—according to this video Simpson's own business manager—plays over footage of Jessica on a treadmill. In discussing the lawsuit, he says the following:

"Listen. I think you would be justified in calling her a bitch, in calling Joe an asshole...I think Joe will hire the most powerful lawyer and take that contract and shove it so far up your rectum that you'll never have a Speedfit."

The losses to the horse-marathon-based exercise-video trade since that deep-colonic contract delivery are incalculable—a despondent Simpson having since given up on exercise entirely, drowning her sorrows in scooped-out-bread-bowls of chili whenever she can.