We went back to Brooklyn last night, to see what we could find. And there, waiting for us, was a troubled girl with tattoos and a Mormon boy with sex issues. And, adventure.
This week's story was told in three parts. There was The Lonely Talents of Miss Devyn R. Actressa. There was I Would Do Anything For Love (Except That, Until We're Married): A Chet Chetterson Romance. And there was Sleeping Bag for Two: A Mystery, which involved the reformed lesbian Sarah and her phone-operating father. First we go to Devyn's Tale.
Devyn wants to be an actress, she says. And because she's studied theatre "at a collegiate level," she feels she's ready to skip the stage and head right on out to instant success in Hollywood. Even though her cousin Kim was in The Color Purple on old Broadway, Devyn will not budge about the theatre thing. Her cuz was kind enough to listen to the MTV producers and place a call to a casting director friend, trying to get Devyn a meeting. Before all that happened, though, there was the Curious Incident of the Gay in the Nighttime, when JD got super drunk again. I think I figured out what the deal with that is. JD is one of those people who's so sure of himself in life, so confident that he's smart and in control and good to look at, that he thinks he can do no wrong when he's drunk. He's just more awesome, right?? Incorrect. He's bitchy and show-offy and loud-mouthed when he gets super drunk, which he's now done twice. I'm keeeeeeping track.
This time the gang was at Angels & Kings, because it's the most awesome bar ever, and JD came in a'saunter, with a transsexual named Lady Coolatta Febreze (not her real name) on his arm. JD was all drunky and bragging about how he has this awesome trans friend and she's suuuch a better trans than Katelynn is (what does that mean, exactly?) and that she can sang much much better than Devyn could ever hope to do because she's an American Idol reject. Everyone was offended at this point. Though Devyn was way more offended than Katelynn, which is completely backwards. Especially because JD spilled the last remaining little wrinkled bean and told Chet that Katelynn was born with boy parts. But whatever. Devyn was angry, and even angrier when the Countess Ticklefeathers O'Houlihan invited her on stage for a little singalong. Devyn was all "no, no, I'm not warmed up, no... no.... HERE I GO, COUNTRY FOOLS!" She sang "I Hope You Dance," which is a lonely sad song for shut-ins by Leeanne Wombat. Devyn sang aight, and then Princess Hydrox McDelicounter warbled and the Angels & Kings audience, a befuddled menagerie of straight dudes and idiots, scratched their heads.
Then came Devyn's big casting director non-audition. She turned left at the wrong place and ended up in New Jersey, but eventually made it, 45 minutes late. She wasn't very apologetic, but that's OK. She's worked really hard for this moment. So she did a monologue from a Lee Blessing play (I shouted alone to myself, drinking Chateau Diana fake wine with seltzer out of an enormous wine glass at this point, that I had taken a masterclass with him years ago and as I said it I realized even I didn't care). Anyway her monologue was flat and terrible and the poor casting director wanted to shoot himself. Then Devyn sang the National Anthem. At an audition. Devyn sang the National Anthem at an audition that she was 45 minutes late to. She's going places! In the end she seemed to forgive JD for pitting her against Argyle Lemonade, RN. So that's something.
On to # 32 in the Chet Chetterson Romance series, about a bumbling Mormon person who's never seen a naked girl. Chet was still pursuing the model ("she's a model... and I'm down with that" or something) named Emily and her force fields were weakening against his Millennium Falcon-shaped hairdid. So they went to the Angels & Kings bar the same night that JD's trans friend, Q'orianka Kilcher, voice-murdered Devyn. I think was the same night anyway. So whatever, after Ryan insisted that Chet had no game, he did seem to have game, backed up by his favorite wingmen, TV cameras. So after everyone in New York wept for a few hours, Chet and Emily went on a date in Little Italy. She was really late, probably because she'd been aimlessly following Devyn and had ended up in Jersey City. The date went well, they went back to the house and cuddled. Chet confessed that he'd never seen a naked woman or touched a boob or self-diddled, and Emily's eyes glazed over. She's only 19! Which Chet said he liked because it means she's "young and innocent," which was horribly creepy. Someday Chet will work his way into some sort of body hole—be it woman, man, or mineral—and the space-time continuum will be forever breached and Buffy will have to jump into the light again to save everyone's life. Sigh.
Sarah, the LUG with the jugs, was having problems with her father. He somehow found her phone number (somehow! whoooo could have given him the number to the house that's also a television show??) and wanted to talk. They haven't seen each other in eight years and it's time. Sarah got very upset and yelled and hung up. She told a story about how her father had been sexually abusive. He kept saying on the phone that it was all made-up by the mother. And I don't want to jump into this too much, because if you've ever seen the sad mystery machine that is Capturing the Friedmans you know that these issues are so murky and muddled and sometimes impossible to figure out and speculating about them is useless at best and cruel at worst. But... OK, so the story was that Sarah had been molested at a daycare center or something and then she'd gone on a camping trip with her father. And on that camping trip, Pops only brought one sleeping bag. And then her story ended. Sarah said that while nothing exactly had happened, she still felt violated and that she and her mother had tried to prosecute her father for the offense. I don't know. I'm no ADA Alexandra Cabot, but that doesn't sound like abuse to me. Maybe all he could afford was one sleeping bag. Or, maybe he did plan on molesting her. Who knows. She's sure of it though, and I guess that's all that matters... ? Sigh. We'll end this segment here.
The other ones, Ryan and Scotty and Baya, they were around sort of. But this wasn't their week. Luckily I can see through both walls and time, so I know the real story of what happened to them. Ryan found an old monkey's paw down by the docks. He brought it back to Scotty, who thought it was "real neat." They figured out, by doing internet research, that you're supposed to make wishes on a monkey's paw but that they always turn out bad in some sort of cruelly ironic way. So they decided to make the wishes in a sing-songy fake-Baya voice. "Dear Monkey's Paw.... I want to be a daaaancer," Ryan shrilled. One finger went down, and a low rumble coursed through the house. The next day Baya got a dancing job. As a chorus girl in Phantom of the Opera. Which is terrible because Baya is "street"! So Baya killed herself and Scotty and Ryan put the monkey's paw away to use on the new replacement roommate.
At the very end there were fireworks and everyone did a slow waltz and the cameras swirled overhead. And I noticed, and I mean this sincerely, that unlike the camera swirling on The Hills or The City, when this particular season of Real World does it... Well, I feel like I'm actually looking at something.
So, that's nice.