'Where The F*** Are The Motherf***ing Scallops, You C**ksu**er?!'

Sunday, Monday and Thursday are the important TV nights, but with NBC's Comedy Night Done Right in reruns, your difficult choices are easier tonight. There should be no crying over missed TV.

WATCH

Hell's Kitchen [9 PM, Fox] - It's season five of food competition as only Fox can do it. Cooks from all walks of life try to survive weeks of culinary challenges and verbal de-pantsings for the chance to fast track their careers by about three years. It's been a rough year (hell, a rough last week) for Chef Ramsay, what with his affair being uncovered and then being banned from Mario Batali's restaurants and all, so we hope he takes out his anger on the underlings. The winner of this cycle will become head chef at the Borgata Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, which is probably the best gig on the show so far, though not nearly the notoriety that Top Chef contestants receive.

TiVo

'Where The F*** Are The Motherf***ing Scallops, You C**ksu**er?!'

Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America [9 PM, PBS] - We haven't watched much of this documentary series on comedy because documentaries on comedy or the history of comedy are usually full of pseudo-historic information that add very little to our understanding of entertainment. We will try to catch tonight's fifth installment, though, as it examines the public's love of the classic "wiseguy." Groucho Marx, Larry David, W.C. Fields, Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy are profiled. If you're really feeling this, stay tuned for the sixth installment at 10 PM that covers the "satire of our society and government." We will probably skip that portion, as we promised to go on a murderous rampage the next time someone mentions that a lot of people get their news from late night comedians.

KILL

'Where The F*** Are The Motherf***ing Scallops, You C**ksu**er?!'

The VH1 Pepsi Smash Super Bowl Bash [9 PM, VH1] - Damn, do shows like this make us feel old. Jerry O'Connell hosts this Super Bowl psych-up concert in Tampa. Performances by Rihanna and Fall Out Boy should be the highlights of the night along with appearances by NFL players. We remember anxiously awaiting these concert specials, excited to see our favorite bands and singers performs their hits, but those days are over. If we want to see someone sing over a backing track, we'll go to the Gas Lite.

Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House [10 PM, VH1] - Things get heavier than normal tonight when Steven Adler is caught black-tar handed using heroin and arrested for possession. We don't know about you, but we're ready for a new round of messed-up celebs. Adler is way overexposed, Amber Smith is boring, and we have lost any reason to care about these people getting their shit together. How about someone older and with mainstream success like Gavin MacLeod? He may not have any actual problems, but we'd rather watch him drive around Pacific Palisades than see much more of these people.