Nobody's even talking about Super Bowl ads this year! We're here to remedy that, because what is our purpose if not to indoctrinate the public into the world of robotic overconsumption? Look, ad preview!

The fun thing about the Super Bowl ads this year is that they're doing away with all the humor or entertainment in favor of the HARD SELL, because hey, times are hard, and these ads cost three million bucks, and Budweiser is not fucking around: if they spend that money, you damn well better buy some Budweiser. With that in mind, we present Five Ads To Watch For:

1. Teleflora: Any other flower is an insult, cheapskate.

2. Sobe: Now with LSD, apparently

3. Ashley Madison: Isn't it time you started cheating? This ad was banned in Canada but will in fact run during the game in several US cities. Seriously, if you have money, they just don't care any more.

4. E-trade: The freaky baby is back. And he thinks now is a great time to start trading stocks online! (Below are 'Outtakes' from the baby.)

5. Pedigree: 'Here is the obligatory animal ad.'

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[All ads still guaranteed to be more interesting than a Steelers-Cardinals matchup]