Hasselbeck Is The View's Designated Breeder

Attractive blonde piranha Elisabeth Hasselbeck is pregnant again. She and her husband Tim Hasselbeck already have two kids, Grace, 3, and Taylor, 1. Now a third is coming. Oh lord, make it stop!


Let's not get too carried away here. Grace Elisabeth and Taylor Thomas are pretty adorable kids. But their mother, from whom they've drawn half of their genetic material, is less adorable than she is scary/crazy/sexy/weird. And if the breeding habits of The View are any indication of what the future holds, the world will soon be run over by little blonde proto-Fascist Hasselbecks. Let's take a look at why.

Out of the show's five co-hosts—Goldberg, Walters, Behar, Shepherd and Hasselbeck—only Hasselbeck is still in babymaking range. (Shepherd is 41 so her clock is still ticking but it is in its Daisy countdown.) By age 31, Hasselbeck has produced more offspring than the rest of the show's hosts combined. Whoopi only has one daughter, Alexandrea; Joy also has one daughter, Eve; and Sherry has a son named Jeffrey. (Also Baba Wawa has daughter named Jacqueline Dena Guber but for our purposes she doesn't count because she's adopted.] As one can see, the genetic material existent in the world of the View's hosts is inversely proportional to the esteem in which we hold them. Interestingly, it also corresponds to the degree of political rightwingedness of the hosts.

The righter you are, the more babies you have. This is nothing new. But I did just watch Idiocracy, that great 2006 Mike Judge comedy, in which this sort of demographic spread is noted and have been reading in shock and awe about Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar who have 18 kids and who won't stop because G-d tells them not to. Their stunty horny fundamentalism got them on The View where Hasselbeck seemed genuinely stoked. You could see 18 lightbulbs above her head. Might it not be only a matter of years before there are 18 Hasselbeck children and then only a matter of decades before Hasselbeck replaces Smith as the most common surname in America? President Hasselbeck, imagine!