Not Without His Daughter

What a game, eh? The first half was kinda slow until that last play, when Elvira the Catahoula Cur Mix made that unbelievable Nylabone interception. Let's see who else was a winner this weekend:

1. Taken — $24.625 million
Who says guy-movies can't open on Super Bowl weekend? Take Taken, for example, which tapped directly into every male's subconscious desire to totally fuck up anyone who messes with his family. Coming in at just slightly under the $25 million we predicted, Fox's revenge movie is the second-highest grossing Super Bowl Sunday opener of all time, behind Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour—which, coincidentally, featured a similar subplot in which Billy Ray hunts down and kills the underwear model terrorist who holds his daughter's virtue hostage.

2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop — $14 million
This brings the total gross of the Blartocalypse to $83,375,000, making it a veritable zeitgeisty phenomenon. You can feel it in the air—Segway accident YouTube videos are suddenly all the rage, and struggling malls from here to New Jersey have begun hiring their own overweight, mustachioed security guards, hoping to lure shoppers with their inept follies.

3. The Uninvited — $10.512 million
Um, we liked The Uninvited better when it was called Janghwa, Hongryeon. As much as we love Elisabeth Banks, she's no Jung-ah Yum. Know what we mean?

4. Hotel for Dogs — $8.7 million
After seeing Hotel for Dogs, you might be wondering if such a place exists for your own furry loved one. Well, it does! American Cat and Dog Resort in Las Vegas is the "Bellagio for pets," where they offer room service, fine dining, and a full-service spa. Great place to bring a Pomeranian hooker.

8. New In Town — $6.8 million
This Renée Zellweger slumcom from Lionsgate bombed comfortably in eighth place, precisely where we anticipated it would be. Apparently their marketing angle of "Fargo meets Baby Boom" wasn't one that particularly clicked with audiences, as delightful as the image was of tough-as-nails businesswoman Zellweger disposing of Harry Connick Jr. in a wood chipper shortly after he admits he had no interest in raising children.