Are You Getting Laid or Laid-Off This Week?

Some special groundhog in Pennsylvania saw his shadow today, but it's that greasy otter in West Hollywood who you're worried about. Hooking up with him was a mistake, but he's wriggling into your love forecast.

If today - February 2 - is your birthday: You kept an ironic distance from the Super Bowl by mocking the brutality of American football at every turn, but that didn't prevent your stomach from tightening when the game got close in the fourth quarter. Was it the excitement of playoff action twisting you up inside or the sudden realization that you are probably never going to accomplish your directing dreams? The stars say both.

Are You Getting Laid or Laid-Off This Week?

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): So what if Saturday Night Live turned your quest to expand your family and spread as much love as possible into a punchline, you are a caring mother who wants to use her good fortune to bring happiness to children everywhere. Besides, no matter how large your brood gets, you'll never be as creepy as that octuplets lady.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Most people hate their jobs, but your work as a script supervisor is quite enjoyable: No one messes with you, the director is really nice, and you even have a little crush on that assistant editor. The only thing that could make this better is if you were getting paid. Oh, and if you weren't a script supervisor for large cheerleader fetish porns.

Are You Getting Laid or Laid-Off This Week?

Aries (March 21 - April 19): The song says that "it never rains in Southern California" but that doesn't keep LA from being a pretty dreary place for an unemployed assistant. Get your mind off your mounting credit card bills with a trip to Disneyland. The festive atmosphere, fun rides and flask of bourbon in your pocket will chase your cares away.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): It's already February and the year is flying by. You should have started that epic screenplay and lost at least a pound by now, but don't be discouraged. Get your life organized this week and make yourself a writing and exercise schedule. The odds are low of you actually following through on those items, but your friends will think you really have your shit together.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Mutability is common characteristic of Geminis and your ability to adapt yourself has helped you rise up the studio ladder. There are a few more rungs on the ladder left, and to ascend those you'll need to muster all your powers of flexibilty in the boardroom and the bedroom.

Are You Getting Laid or Laid-Off This Week?

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The career of your astrological signmate Carly Simon will show you the ideal lifepath this week. Your body of work is tremendous, but your biggest hit and its coy subject matter will dog you throughout your career and make normal human interaction nearly impossible as everyone wants to know the answer to the same burning question: Why do you write so many lame movie soundtrack songs?

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Fragile self-esteem is a pretty standard attribute for anyone looking to make it in Hollywood, but you need to toughen up. Even famous actors and actresses screw up auditions all the time, though their auditions are usually for leading roles, not server jobs at Kung Pao Kitty.

Are You Getting Laid or Laid-Off This Week?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): You've dealt with significant recent adversity, but please stop comparing your plight to that of Jennifer Hudson. She experienced an unthinkable family tragedy and still performed at the Super Bowl. All you did was lose your iPhone.

Libra (September 23 - October 23): Is your work life starting to affect your sex life? Ask yourself that question this week and see if any revealing answers emerge. If you don't come to any conclusions, continue banging your assistant and don't sweat it.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): With a new batch of layoffs at the agency, you are handling more clients than ever. It's a lot to have on your plate and you are spending less time at home, but don't worry: You'll be making more deals and increasing your profile and wealth, which will buy you at least three more years of that sham marriage.

Are You Getting Laid or Laid-Off This Week?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Congress can't pass that stimulus bill soon enough, but don't count your chickens before they're hatched. President Obama will be helping the country, but it's doubtful that his stimulus bill includes a sweet creative executive position for you. Get ready to build some roads.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): That cross-country move to Los Angeles took a lot out of you, but you shouldn't waste any valuable networking time. Call up your old college roommate and email family friend to set up some lunch dates. While their advice will not help all that much and they'll be reluctant to actually help you in a tangible way, it would be nice to eat something that didn't come in a jar.