Ok, let's start with the recession, then move on to Michael Phelps.

• Conde Nast no longer gives its star editors solid platinum waistcoats and golden hats each month. So we had a poll to decide which magazine shouldn't die. Meanwhile Forbes has three balloons. Also no one has any more water, or supplies, because of the recession. And even the poor rich people have to cut back, at least symbolically. And Bernie Madoff's weird office, where all the world's money disappeared, into a big garbage bag he wrote "safe investment" on with a marker, was revealed!
• We told Michael Phelps, the noted drug addict, to just party all the time, because why not? Then Subway dropped him because hey you wouldn't want your sandwich franchised ruined by association with a drug that makes you really want a sandwich, right?
• But it could've been worse! He could've been Christian Bale, who is now just basically a punchline. (Or a set-up, really—the punchline is "FUCKING AMATEUR, MAN.") And the kids had fun with it, as they do. We can't all be Steve Martin. At least he wasn't doing a little Chinese person eyes thing while he yelled at that dude, because then he'd be in real trouble.
• Hey, did you hear about that guy who flies Julia Allison around for some reason? What a champ.
• Oh, and there was some porn at the Super Bowl, like always.
• Rod Blagojevich was not well-received on Letterman, because he's a creepy crook. Fun fact: Letterman used to be a weatherman!
• Facebook is five years old and it caused the recession.
• Your television recaps: Gossip Girl, The Real World, and Top Chef (stupid Leah!). Last night on Hell's Kitchen they pulled the same damn stunt they pulled last season, with shitty-but-entertaining contestants remaining while an "injured" competent person took one for the team and went home "voluntarily."
• We know where the maple syrup smell is coming from: it's the smell of irony curdling.
• This week in your politics: Daschle gave up, Rahm broke a rule half the congresspeople in DC break, Bill Clinton called Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin continued to give a tour of her bizarre psyche, and all the Obama scandals made us so sad.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.