Congress stepped in to ensure your bubby's old Hitachi still receives snowy episodes of All My Children, but you have been given a similar window of opportunity to rethink your life and poor eating habits.
If today - February 9 - is your birthday: Grammy night should have been the highlight of your A&R career, but your artist's terrible dress, awkward performance and repeated losses to Robert Plant & Alison Krauss ruined everything. It's a setback and you have a lot of explaining to do to the suits at the label, but take solace in the fact that you're not Chris Brown's manager. Comparisons to Ike Turner are never good for album sales.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): It seems like every industry deserves a bailout these days, but your studio shouldn't start grovelling for federal money yet. Try cutting costs in-house or selling off the back catalog before you request government intervention. President Obama is pushing for a $500,000 cap in executive salaries, and last year you spent twice that on club drugs alone.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): You're usually not affected by romantic comedies, but this weekend's screening of He's Just Not That Into You spurred a lot of thinking about the status of your relationship. Your boyfriend doesn't like talking about commitment and completely avoids the subject of marriage. Is he "not into you" or is he planning a big surprise for Valentine's Day? Or is his lack of affection the Valentine's Day surprise?
Aries (March 21 - April 19): That assistant job upstairs that you never thought would open finally did, so throw yourself into the pool of candidates. It's better pay, a more fun department and direct access to the power players. So what if it's rumored that the over-stressed previous assistant killed himself at the desk, but that police investigation is ongoing. Better parking space, too.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): The career of Jay Leno, a fellow Taurus, shows you the ideal lifepath this week. When one door closes on you, a seemingly better door opens at an earlier time slot. Sure, you don't get the critical respect or the awards attention that your rivals receive, but you have a shitload of awesome cars that make you happy. How quickly does an Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series go from 0-to-60 mph? That's right, it doesn't.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Writing video games is a cutting-edge niche that is still going strong even in this economic downturn. No one's bought any of your complicated MMORPG ideas yet, but trust the stars on this one: There will be a market for games that provide an escape from the everyday drudgery of trading government vouchers for basic food rations.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Since moving to Los Angeles and working in the agency mailroom, you've lost a solid grip on that nice, down-to-earth girl you used to be. Get your parents to spring for the ticket and go home for a weekend. Look through your old college papers and journals from high school and see those friends still hanging around town. Even if you don't find your old confidence, you'll know that you now dress infinitely better than those heifers in flyover country.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Dating multiple women at once can be difficult, but as an MP Lit agent with a long roster of screenwriters, you're more than prepared to juggle the challenges. The fact that your friends now call you "Big Love" on the golf course only inspires you to keep multiple irons in the fire, but that feeler call on your lunch break to the polygamist cult took the joke too far.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Remember that podcast that was going to make you famous? Maybe you should do a new one once in a while to reward the few people who listen to it. The problem of coming up with new material and making short-form internet radio entertaining pales in comparison for the difficulty of your listeners to motivate themselves to listen to 20 minutes of it.
Libra (September 23 - October 23): Whether it's a contrived reality show or a Dancing with the Stars, it's just another way to put food on the table for your family, so go all out. Embrace your time in the spotlight of a successful television show because the next stop on your career trajectory is writing a tell-all book that will burn all your remaining bridges to fame. As the adage goes, the better you dance, the quicker your book sells its first hardcover printing.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): You've tried everything to alleviate your depression, but it's been six months of sad mornings and restless nights and you need to finish cutting your documentary short to submit to festivals. If you can just get out of bed every day, that would be a victory. Or you could have an editing bay installed in your bedroom. As long as you turn yourself every once in a while, your productivity should increase.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Butterflies are perfectly normal the night before an acting role begins. This is the first time you are required to work more than a day on a film, so you'll actually have a chance to get to know your fellow actors. As exciting as it is to hang out with the giants of your profession, don't get starstruck. They're just putting in the work the same as you, only they have trailers, assistants, name recognition and talent.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): As the tape vault manager at a reality production company, your job is stressful, never-ending and often leads to you chewing out the PA's who run tapes to the editors. Christian Bale's angry rant might make your fits look like mere trifles, but that's no reason to elevate your screaming attacks to a new level.
[Photo: Henry Leutwyler Photography]