Gays, Like Cockroaches, Will Be the Only Things to Survive This Recession

"The gays love a recession!" trills the New York Observer this morning. Gay nightlife and shopping is in full swing, despite the ruined economy. Childless wonders are taking over Manhattan again. Isn't it fabulous?

Just like hard-hearted crime journalists are eagerly anticipating the city's recession-sparked return to the gritty days of Mean Streets and Death Wish, bored nightlifers are panning through the rubble, hoping to find beautiful pink jewels. And they are!

Gay nightlife promoters like Michael Formika Jones had seen the the near-extinction of gay parties-for-partying's sake (not vodka promotions) in the past few years. Now he has three big upcoming events booked, some in places where the breeders used to dominate. Like over in the ugly old Meatpacking district. And don't worry, the booze prices will be gay. "No more $15 drinks!" Miss Jones promises us. So cheap drinks and costumey sleaze. Just like the last gay-weathered recession some 20 years ago.

Plus the boots clamped on the gay nightlife community in this old city by Giulianism—fines for everything from butts on bars to lit candles—won't be applied so freely anymore. No one has the time or resources to send secret agents out to the latest seedy mope n' grope. The Observer also notes that sales on the "gay floor" of Bergdorf Goodman, where designers like McQueen and Sanders reign, has seen sales as steady as ever. "We can't let [the recession] affect the way we live. I'm a shopper, and most of my gay friends are," said one gay that I don't want to be friends with.

But let's not get too ahead of ourselves and ring in the bells of a new gay renaissance. One interviewed gay says he and his pals skip dinner in order to go out for drinks. Another be-underpanted twink says "I'm like $60,000 in debt from school. I'm fucked anyway." A third gay says of his shopping that he and has partner have cut down from $10,000 a month to a lowly $2,000. Which, ouch. Are the gays powering through these very early stages of the Big R because they really aren't affected? Or is this a highly delicate balancing act of desperation, denial, and willful ignorance?

I think, more likely, it's an alt-ish weekly looking for a story and stumbling upon some drunk gay dudes and saying "Hey, wait a minute..." If the gays really are recession proof, great! They've dual incomes (often times) and no children (again, usually). If they can't make it, no one should be able to. Though in this new era of hipster gays (are the New Old Gays dead already?), do you really want to join the party? I mean, when these invincible homos say things like this:

Gays love a recession because we hate the capitalist economy that's found in the hetero-normative patriarchy anyways. I say burn the motherfucker down! Right? Fuck Prop 8! Who gives a fuck? We should burn down Wall Street and take over New York.

That's the same be-underpanted twink who has 60 grand in debt, btw (to Sarah Lawrence, naturally.)

I dunno. I think I'd rather stay home and watch Real Housewives. But that's just me.

(Also, whither lesbos?)