Madonna wishes Alex Rodriguez was crying on her shoulder. Meanwhile, a Los Angeles woman is offering her support to hundreds of thousands of traumatized Miley Cyrus victims.

• Alex Rodriguez's ex-wife is helping him through his steroid scandal, and Madonna is not happy. Who knows more about unhuman musculature than she does? [Gatecrasher]
• Some misguided woman in Los Angeles is suing Miley Cryus over the star's stretched-back eyelid picture. The suit seeks damages for 1 million Asian Americans. TMZ says this means "Asians Want $4 Billion From Miley Cyrus." Yes, because Asians are part of a monolithic borg. Cyrus is 16 years old; what's your excuse, TMZ? [TMZ]
• Mickey Rourke has maybe been secretly dating Courtney Love for three weeks. Try not to think about it. [Mirror]
• Kurt Cobain's writings were seen by a select group of publishers before selling for $4 million. So Mike Tyson figures if his writings are only circulated to a select group... [P6]
• After eliminating his contributions to Daily News worker retirement, Mort Zuckerman enjoyed a nice lunch at the Four Seasons. Cutting is a strenuous activity. [P6]
• Kate Hudson installed a stripper pole in her bathroom. She's very proud. [Scoop]
• People won't stop looking at Kate Moss and wondering if she's pregnant. [Sun]
• Michael Jackson may have a terrible skin-eating infection. [Sun]
• Lindsay Lohan was photographed carrying two pizza boxes, scientific proof she is eating enough food. [Mail]
• Here's a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow looking ridiculous is leather schoolboy shorts. [Daily Mail]

Send an email to Ryan Tate, the author of this post, at ryan@gawker.com.