Hey Real World: Brooklyn. Here's the heezy right over here. You need to get back on it. Because you were certainly off it last night. (That didn't make sense, I know.)
What I'm trying to say is that last night's installment of MTV's venerable old warship was a masterclass in reality TV editing; a multi-layered trip into strangers' brightly-lit lives that didn't involve drinking (well not really). There was adventure and intrigue and sorrow and joy and pole dancing. This is still The Real World, after all.
Our journey began (and ended, really) with Katelynn. I'm not sure if you knew this, but Katelynn is something called a Transgendered. A Transgendered is a creature from the southern slopes of the Andes who once subsisted on grubs and assorted berries but now exists mostly in captivity. You can identify a Transgendered by the distinct teeny-tiny-underpants markings on its lower torso. Another trait of the Transgendered is that it likes to constantly remind you that it is a Transgendered, issuing its shrill-yet-guttural hoots into any ear that comes its way. In short, shut the hell up Katelynn. We get it. We support you! Enough.
Katelynn decided to help AIDS, so she and her little friends went to the AIDS n' Gay place and offered their services. Not wanting this lumbering, terrifying creature (Devyn) scaring the locals, they shipped everyone off to Gettysburg, PA to wave flags at a gay AIDS bike parade. Ryan was excited because that's his hometown. So, after some early morning dumbness with everyone waking up and Katelynn going into Berzerker Mode and throwing Ryan's alarm clock out the window, they were off! In their teeny-tiny cars. Stuffed in there like clowns or transgendered sardines.
Because boys and girls will never get along—like old people and garage door openers—Chet, Shithead, and the Gang rode in one car, while Claudia, Jessi, Mallory, and Little Sister Karen rode in the other buggy. Those dumb bitches got to Gettysburg all right but missed the tour bus they were supposed to take, while the girls were just driving 10 mph and showed up the next day. The boys made a run for the bus (JD fell down!! JD fell down!!! Hey everyone, the gay guy fell dowwnnnnn!!!!) and made it on. There they sat all smug with their big headphones while Chet swooned and said things about how great it is to be just guys with each other, with all those hard, muscly body parts gently brushing up against each other, the smell of sawdust and beer farts mingling in the purple Pennsylvania air. Transcendent.
Once Chet's Tunnel of Love riverbus tour was over, Ryan took everyone to the fanciest restaurant in town to meet his family. They all looked like nice, salt-of-the-earth folks. And because Katelynn is a slug, she reacted badly to it. "Everyone was nice, but I was bored," she dribbled. Luckily the family portion of the evening ended and the "hey let's feel awesome because we're on TV and no one else here in Shittington Corners is" part began. Because it was the fanciest restaurant in town, just beyond a small dividing wall was a low-ceilinged bar that had a teeny-tiny DJ record-spinning table. Because she's basically a glorified roadie at this point, Baya was made to go over and yell things into a microphone and play music. And then the worst thing happened, the thing that pulled the sweater string of this season and began to unravel it.
Katelynn did a stripper pole dance. On a pole that wasn't a stripper pole. At a family restaurant. In Gettysburg PA.
She lurched and twirled around and everyone in the room was horrified. But odd, loosey-limbed sexuality is all Katelynn seems to think femininity is about, so she was allowed to go about her business. Earlier in the episode Devyn and Sarah were all "you can't wear your teeny-tiny underpants and nothing else around the house" and Katelynn didn't understand because she's a sexy woman now and has to be sexy. Incorrect. It's sort of a sad indictment of our current socio-sexual political landscape that a boy who finally gets his wish and blossoms into a woman—a hard-won, expensive battle—takes her new, lovely wings, embarks into the world of Womanity and... slumps around on a non-stripper-pole stripper-pole in some dumpy restaurant in Pennsylvania. Ah well. Oh, and she fell down. While on the pole. And blamed it on a lack of grease. The clip is above. Words can't do it justice.
So everyone was upset and JD was playing both sides by making tranny jokes but also still trying to seem with-it and then there was some sort of Incident at Owl Creek that involvd Chet flirting with JD by tickling his ear with a gay AIDS flag at the gay AIDS bike ride party. Katelynn and the self-righteous, almost-molested-to-death Sarah got all upset. Some sniping ensued, the boys said more nasty things about trannies in the car ride home, and then there was a fight.
All the boys called Sarah self-righteous and annoying, which was her cue to go to the confessional and act self-righteous and annoying. Meanwhile Katelynn was walking around rubbing her vagina on various corners of the furniture, because she can do that now. Chet was helpfully wearing his big purple Chet hat, in case you forgot his name was Chet. Chet. His name is Chet. First Chet called the girls immature, which is insane considering who he is. Then he was all "your big vocabulary and liberal stances don't mean you're right" and I was all "you're an idiot, Chet. You have a rat tail," and then Mallory moved away to boarding school and everyone cried and made her an honorary member for life.
So there was some fight about that and then a calm and then JD and Devyn got into it. I have no idea how the fight started but they were arguing about the difference between "the psyche of a little girl and the psyche of a little boy." Devyn said she'd studied psychology on the "collegiate" level and therefore knew there was a difference between the two. JD said he is friends with dolphins so he knows they're the same. Then JD dissed Devyn for being a "college dropout," to which Devyn replied "I am not a college dropout." Except she is. Because she dropped out of college. Devyn said she can still say she is "college educated" because she has two years of collamajig under her belt. To which I say no: you are not fully college educated until you have stayed up for at least 24 hours straight, drinking the whole time, then have to sit for hours in the rain while some damn fool drones on and on about choices and roads and writing letters. That's the education: that the rest of your life will be cold and rainy and hungover and full of people telling you to do things. Sorry Devyn, but if you didn't get that in college, you didn't get anything.
So everyone exploded and said they were double majors in things while only saying one major ("I double majored in Psychology." And...?), while Katelynn taught her vagina to sit and roll over and then she told everyone that she was a Transgendered and everyone said "duhhh." Ryan was nice enough about it, if not a little unsettled. Little Scotty Mouthbreather made weird jokes about dicks in jars and Chet thought "what a fantasy!" and then Baya walked by in the distance hauling some lighting equipment, weeping.
Finally, Katelynn played pool with the boys and made tranny jokes with them and gender identity was solved.
So much happened and it was exciting! Good for everyone for fighting and saying things like "the ladies are off trimming their vagina hairs" (10 points to Gryffindor, Scotty). It's just a shame that at the very end of the episode, Katelynn found a little box insider her, um, box and opened it and all the ills of the world came spewing out and devoured everyone in a haze of misery and discord.
Until next week.