Madonna-Witch Steals Child from Kindly Brazillian Couple

Madonna's current boyfriend, six-year-old 22-year-old schoolboy model Jesus Pinto da Luz, has been stolen, his parents claim. He's not allowed to call them and is being held captive at the singer's Maldives lair.

  • Or at least he was over Christmas, when he was only allowed to send a brief text message to his worried parents. At 50 years old, the man's grandmother is younger than the witch Madonna, who has at press time taken the form of a heap of sand and chicken bones that lurches across the plains. We'll keep you notified if any more children go missing or if, God forbid, she takes her Shadow form and can therefore easily enter any home, at any time. [NYP]
  • Lindsay Lohan and her wife of 29 years Samantha Ronson got in a spat on a New York street as they returned to their hotel last night. "Samantha Judith Ronson, why are you doing this to me?" Lindsay called after her lover, who was stomping back to the Bowery Hotel in stony silence. When they got back to their room, Samantha was moodily flipping through the channels and Lindsay said "well fine then." In the car ride back home Lindsay said only one thing: "You missed the exit, Sam." Samantha cursed loudly and hit the steering wheel. Once they'd finally made it home and were sitting eating a painful, silent dinner at the dining room table—do they really need this big table now that the kids are gone?—Lindsay whimpered a bit and said "I just wanted it to be a nice vacation." Samantha nodded her head and said, "I know. I know. I'm sorry." And they went to bed and when they woke up, it was a new day and there were new things to be done. [NYP]
  • Ageless actress Ellen Barkin is filming a TV pilot for HBO in which a sassy blond lady divorces a high-powered asshole. So it's basically her Ron Perelman story. In the TV show, Ron dies in the first episode. [Rush & Malloy]
  • Rapper M.I.A. has given birth to a baby boy. Insiders at the hospital say that it's kind of strange looking at first but then you see all the crazy eccentricities in him and you start to like him and then you can't get him out of your head and you think he's maybe talking about like immigration or refugees or something? But you can't really tell. After a while, though, you just want him to go away. [Us]
  • Now that she's all famous, Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto has dumped her boyfriend of four years. Citing irreconcilable loserdom, Pinto told courts "he just doesn't get it, you know?" The boyfriend, Rohan Antao, was reportedly last seen at a sports bar, pointing to the TV when an ad for the film came on and glumly saying to the bartender "Yeah, her. No man, I swear." [Showbiz Spy]