The Oscars are in six days, and while only a very few ever win that statue, the stars have your Academy Awards after the jump. Time to buy a gown.
If today - February 16 - is your birthday: "Best Actor in a Leading Role" - Keeping up appearances is difficult, but your ability to persevere in that sham relationship deserves commendation. Your girlfriend thinks you're building up to a marriage proposal, but in actuality your agent is already testing the waters for the roles you get after you come out of the closet.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): "Best Actress in a Leading Role" - Your lease ends this month and your last day of work is Friday, and you're worried about where you and your beloved beagle will be living come March 1st. It's time to suck up your pride and call your parents. It will be hard to pretend like you miss them and love them, but that's why that MFA from Yale Drama is useful.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): "Best Cinematography" - The picture is grainy and the focus isn't precise, but that video of the Head of Television Programming - West Coast getting blown by his assistant in the parking garage could be the boost your career needs. Don't put it on YouTube or Facebook, just send it to his wife.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): "Academy Honorary Award" - While your lifetime is not nearly over, you have already achieved enough to deserve this special honor. Using only the connections provided by your divorce lawyer uncle, you are now a high-ranking creative executive despite your lack of ideas, previous successes or attention to personal grooming. What started as a non-existent dream is now a high-paying job you could care less about.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): "Best Actor in a Supporting Role" - No one is more tired of the bar scene than you, but your best friend is still scrounging up tail seven nights a week. Though it's expensive and boring, rolling with your buddy to the clubs helps him look more important and gives you great anecdotes like "My friend hooked up with some chick from Danity Kane last night."
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): "Best Writing (Original Screenplay)" - It's important to know a good idea when you hear one, and your friend's story about his dad escaping from an abusive family life, living on the road and eventually rising to become one of the most lauded school principals in the country was too good to pass up. He wasn't going to write it any time soon, so you took the initiative — and his idea. You can't buy a Maserati Quattroporte with friendship.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): "Best Foreign Language Film" - After testing and re-editing your movie over a dozen times, the audience still doesn't connect with its humor. There's no time to recast, rewrite or reshoot, so figure out a way to make some money back, possibly by dubbing it into a nonsensical German translation. They love that quirky shit in Bavaria.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): "Best Picture" - The career of Edward Furlong, a fellow Leo, gives you hope this week. Now that Mickey Rourke is back and Britney has lost the weight, it's time for you to step into the spotlight. If the roles aren't coming your way, a well-timed paparazzi sighting - nude or saving an endangered animal, if possible - will get you back in the glossy pages and on the radar of producers around town.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): "Best Sound Editing" - It's hard to concentrate with the phone on one ear and an agent screaming in the other, and when the worst happens, you need to just apologize and try not to cry. That script was sent via messenger, you got that part right, but it needed to go to powerful animation mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg, not beloved animation actor John Ratzenberger.
Libra (September 23 - October 23): "Best Documentary Short" - You started out to make a groundbreaking documentary feature about the exploitation of migrant workers, but the money and ambition ran out and you're left with 20 minutes of uncut interview footage. Get it printed, slap some titles on there, and give it a catchy name. Most film festivals don't even watch the screeners they receive.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): "Best Actress in a Supporting Role" - It's difficult to be living your dreams of writing for a television drama and then come home to your unemployed roommates who are still trying to get their chance. Instead of talking about how exciting it is to see your words on-screen, pretend like your job is terrible, the hot writers assistant is an idiot and the free meals are terrible (even though they are amazing). Your friends will smile and you will feel better because you will be able to move out and buy a condo in a couple of months.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): "Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay)" - Original work is difficult, and there's nothing wrong with finding a pre-existing story that can be made into a film, but you might want to try harder than adapting an already made film. No one will want to make Steve Scissorhands.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): "Best Makeup" - Getting the attention of the higher-ups at the office is the only way to get ahead, but quit decorating your face like a harlot. Your script coverage is outstanding, everyone knows you are a diligent worker, and besides, your breasts are huge, so exploit those.