Cheney's Secret Plan to Make You Like Bush

So, Dick Cheney. Is he really a being so evil that even George W. Bush was alarmed at his cold amorality or is he just trying to make Bush look good?

Ever since the Bush presidency ended with everyone oddly feeling kind of bad for our Worst President and Dick Cheney riding out to his undisclosed Virginia office building in a wheelchair like Mister Potter, Cheney has said evil things to anyone with a microphone or notepad who happens to wander by him.

First, it was "the new secret Muslim president will start a nuclear war, at your Wal-Mart, so be scared of him." This dire warning he mumbled to a Politico reporter who found the former Vice President in a broom closet he claimed belonged to the General Services Administration, who disavowed any knowledge of his actions. Cheney's bold, openly and proudly misleading bullshit was the sort of thing he hadn't actually been allowed to say in public since 2006 or so, because every time he spoke a Republican lost a Senate seat. (To be fair, that might not have been a causal relationship—Republican senators also kept being racist and fucking hookers around that time.)

Now he's bitching about the gravest injustice of the Bush years: that's right, the president's refusal to pardon Scooter Libby, a dumb political hack bureaucrat who got caught up in Cheney's game of discrediting administration critics by any means necessary, which in this case involved revealing a covert CIA operative's name to the press, because why not. Scooter Libby, Cheney's former Chief of Staff, was sentenced to 30 months in prison, and Bush immediately commuted the sentence, but Cheney apparently wasn't satisfied.

Several sources confirmed Cheney refused to take no for an answer. "He went to the mat and came back and back and back at Bush," a Cheney defender said. "He was still trying the day before Obama was sworn in."

After repeatedly telling Cheney his mind was made up, Bush became so exasperated with Cheney's persistence he told aides he didn't want to discuss the matter any further.

The unsuccessful full-court press left Cheney bitter. "He's furious with Bush," a Cheney source told The News. "He's really angry about it and decided he's going to say what he believes."

Man, Cheney versus Bush! After years of letting the evil genius push the man-child president around, our little moron-in-chief finally stood up to him! And now Cheney's furious! What's that crazy feeling...? Is it... grudging respect for the former president? Hah, that's just what Cheney wants you to feel.

Maybe—maybe!—the Cheney-Bush relationship suffered when Bush accepted Rumsfeld's resignation (the second time), and maybe the Libby pardon thing really got his goat, but if you don't think Cheney's willing to continue playing the part of World's Most Evil Man in the service of helping Bush's legacy, the task all former administration officials have gladly been working on for the better part of a year, than you underestimate our Most Beloved Sith Lord Vice President.

Cheney's never wanted to run for anything, ever, and he's 100 years old and has had 200 heart attacks, so he really does not give a shit what you think about him. Bush, though, wants to be loved, and wants to be remembered fondly. Cheney sold us on a war through fear, surely selling us on the Goodness of a Shitty President the same way can't be too hard.

So don't buy it! Bush sucked and Cheney sucked and now America sucks, and just because they eventually had their petty differences doesn't mean we should be proud of the president for sticking up for himself against the vice president, a man who has absolutely no political powers besides those explicitly delegated to him by the guy who is supposed to be in charge.