So tonight marks the premiere of The Real Housewives of New York City's second season. No, that strange ache you felt near your heart wasn't indigestion. Never watched before? Here, let me introduce you.

The show was the second installment of Bravo's juggernaut Housewives reality series, which began with Orange County and most recently stumbled through Atlanta. The difference between New York and the other two is mostly that we live here and thus know where and (sometimes) who these people are talking about and it makes us sad. Also, the women seem to think that they're fancy and high society in a way that the Orange County ladies don't give a fuck and just want to get drunk. The Atlanta gals claim to be pretty highfalutin too, but I've never been to Atlanta, so maybe they really are? Anyway! The ladies of New York are:

A Brief Guide to the Real Housewives of New York City

Jill
The wife of a carpeting magnate, in the first season Jill repeatedly referred to herself as a "socialite." And she is, if socialites are loud, brash, heavily-accented Long Island nouveaus who go on chintzy reality shows. Jill generally seems to get along with the other housewives, save for crazy Ramona. This season, though, she gets in some Page Six fights with dumpy loser Alex when she insults Alex's gay husband/manservant Simon.

A Brief Guide to the Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona
Ramona arrived on this planet some sixteen years ago from a space realm far, far away. As she searches for a way home, she spends her time with her Earth Husband, who makes religious jewelry, and her Human Daughter, who is a brat. Confused by the strange, guttural human speak, Ramona often mixes up common idioms. One time she said "it's raining cats and buckets." I wish that it rained buckets full of cats in New York, but it doesn't. This season look for Ramona's continued efforts to recover the three lost Xangar Crystals she needs to power her spaceship and return home.

A Brief Guide to the Real Housewives of New York City

Bethenny
The non-married career girl of the bunch, Bethenny doesn't exactly fit the thesis of the show. But whatever. Wine-faced and tired looking, Bethenny makes healthy "gourmet" food for people and tries to fashion herself into some sort of Uptown wiseacre Martha Stewart. Honestly, Bethenny isn't all that bad. That is when she isn't crowing about her "SkinnyGirl Margaritas" (tequila and a lime spritz) or saying "Oh no she di'n't" in fake black girl cadences. This season look for more crowing about SkinnyGirl Margaritas and saying of "Oh no she di'n't" in fake black girl cadences.

A Brief Guide to the Real Housewives of New York City

Kelly
Kelly is the new girl! She's into fashion and the Hamptons and, in Bethenny's estimation, is an actual socialite. Which ought to make Jill super happy. Look for Kelly to not fit in and say nasty, snobby things. Judging from the preview clip that Bravo's been running (above), Kelly says stupid things to Bethenny about social status and Bethenny says "Oh no she di'n't."

A Brief Guide to the Real Housewives of New York City

Alex
Alex is a giraffe that a gay Australian hunter named Simon found on the Savannah, wrapped in a Chico's coat, and brought back to his crumbling Brooklyn townhouse. The pair spends all their time trying to be high society, but failing epically at every turn. Their froofy-haired sons don't want to learn French, like they're being forced to even though neither Simon or Alex are French. They go to St. Barth's, but in the lonely, stupid off-season. Their BROOKLYN townhouse is a shambles. This season Jill says nasty things to Page Six about Simon being a gay person who does gay sex with other gay persons (I'm guessing? Probably not, actually) and Alex loses her temper calls her a bitch or something. Then Simon runs out in his pith helmet and shoots a tranquilizer dart into her neck.

A Brief Guide to the Real Housewives of New York City

Countess LuAnn
LuAnn is, in our estimation, the worst of the worst. She married an old rickety man who bought French nobility while building the Suez Canal a hundred million years ago so now she thinks she's fucking Lady Diana and makes people talk to her like old-timey servants. This season people realize that she's a big faker and get mad at her for being a stupid faker waste of space. ("That's COUNTESS Stupid Faker Waste of Space to you, sir.") She also will probably work on the guide to Class and Etiquette that she's writing, which is the most laughably ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Saying you're "classy" automatically means you're Classy, right?? This lady is as polished as trailer park turds get, but a turd she remains.