So they're back! Sort of. The Real Housewives of New York City didn't quite return to the city last night—they only got as far as the Hamptons. But it was close enough to smell blood.
Hoping for an effect of in media res or something, the producers just threw us into the whole Jill vs. Simon & Alex kadoodle right away. It appeared that Jill had gone and Muppet-flapped to Cindy Adams and said some bad things about Simon. In Jill's defense, she had thought she was merely confessing to a pile of oily rags. Also in her defense, apparently Simon did get drunk at a party and fall down three times. Oh holy God in Heaven, why is there not footage of this? I'm not sure exactly how much I would pay to watch Simon drunkenly fall down a magical three times—like genie wishes, like baseball strikes, like on the ceiling if you want me—but it's probably somewhere in the range of my life's savings. So about $140.
But no, we didn't to see it. Sigh. Jill was completely unapologetic when she called to apologize, while Alex was secretly thrilled and said that Jill was jealous that she and Simon got to be quietly mocked in a New York Magazine article over the summer. Jill said she wasn't jealous but that she was mad that in the article Simon had said that "it shows" that she's from Long Island. Jill thought it was derogatory because she is insanely paranoid and cagey about her wistful, grasping upbringing. I say own it—yeah I'm from Lawn Guyland, and F you in the A for it. But Jill would rather have people think that she was found in a drawer at Tiffany's some fifty-two years ago, so oh well.
Done with the unpleasant (but so great! oh precious camera time and media exposure!!!) business, Simon and Alex prepared themselves for the Hamptons. You see, they don't really care for the Hamptons—they're so pedestrian and full of big fat barefoot ladies who want to cook you delicious food from scratch. But they feel like they should go, especially because their dear friend Devorah had invited them to a supes fancy party for the very popular Social Life magazine. Didja catch that? Simon and Alex were talking about Devorah Rose, the young friend of former fat person Emily Brill. Simon and Alex were excited to be going to the party that someone twenty years younger than them was throwing for her fake magazine. Terrifically played, Silex.
When they got to the Hamps, it turned out that they were staying in an old bungalow that was full of ghosts. It's actually the plywood house that James Taylor sings about getting torn down in "Copperline." They just moved it up to the Hamptons for Simon and Alex special. So they broke a window and threw their weirdo, cherub babies in and hoisted themselves up. Inside the house there was a hobo drifter snoozing and snoring in a corner and an old crone dead in a rocking chair. Then a bat flew out of Alex's hair and she turned directly to the camera, an exasperated look on her face, and said "It's a living..." [Cue this.] At least there was a "Babylonian" pool where they could wash off the rolypoly beetle corpses and junebug shells they slept in the night before. At one point during the house tour one of the curious tiny people they live with walked into the room wearing a teeny bathingsuit and a hat. Alex looked at it strangely, leaned down, and said "We'll call you Dignity."
Then there was a large clarion call of trumpets and bugles and everyone on the South Fork knelt to the ground and quietly murmured prayers. You see the Countess LuAnn De Lesseps Shitfarmer had returned from Gstaad to reign over the leafy, gin-soaked daily miseries of the Hamptons for the summer. The Countess LuAnn Cheeseburger O'Houlihan finished her Doral, scratched her crotch, threw up a little Hot Pocket, stepped out of the puttering Mazda and bellowed "I have returned, fuckers." Everyone clapped and wept and several old women died and then the Countess LuAnn Omaha von Carl's Jr. said "To the Social Life party! Also, where's your crapper?"
So off to the party they went and it reminded me of just how awful and terrible and significantly no good the Hamptons can seem. Just full of sweaty desperation and coiled regret and ugly mule people braying ugly, dumb things about money and white pants and the fast pace of "the city" to each other. The whole party probably smelled like Avon Skin So Soft and Bichon Frise farts. So the Housewives totally loved it. There were Simon and Alex, standing like the louche lord and ladies of the ball. Simon was wearing an outfit he'd sewn together from old discarded Skipper doll fashions he'd found in a mildewing box in the haunted bungalow's creepy attic. Alex had wrapped herself in paper towels that one of the Little People had licked closed like a drunk college joint. When she spotted them, Bethenny said to her steady companion Jill that they should go over and clear the air. So they did, but got brutally rebuffed! Terrible! Thank God there was still another party to go to!
Somewhere in the middle of this Ramona showed up and when she opened her mouth it was the sound of seagulls. "Caw! Caw!" she said and the producers were confused. Then they remembered to turn on their Seagull Translator machine and rolled playback. What Ramona had said was: "Thanks LeVar. Hi! I'm Ramona and this book is about a kid and his dog who end up having a mystery adventure. There's a mean old man and they have a friend who's a girl, which I liked. Her name is Sally and if you want to know what happens, read it for yourself!" Then she jumped into a motorcycle sidecar and sat there for a while. Eventually a small white parakeet hopped up onto the bike and drove them away. "To space camp, Dr. Birdstein!" Ramona called as they zoomed into the inky night.
Back at Jill's sexy clubhouse, she and her longtime "special friend" Bethenny were bubbling off dead skin in the hottub or pool or whatever. Bethenny had heard that the Countess LuAnn de Grimaceburglar was bringing the Fry Kids and a new friend to Jill's big party. Oh, yeah. Jill was having a big Hamptons party for abused poor lesbian kids with diabetes cancer or something. Or maybe it was for horses. I don't remember. Whatever the case, the Countess was bringing the NEW CASTMEMBER, an animate leathery hide named Kelly Bensimon who likes to ride horses and whose breasts occasionally see each other on the weekends. Bethenny said that Kelly was a "true socialite" or something and that she'd met her at Tommy Hilfiger's house and I think we were supposed to be impressed? At this point I was sucking down seltzer and praying to not have a hangover so I wasn't exactly paying full attention.
Whatever happened I remember that there was a party and that Jill and Simon and Alex had an important sit down. They passed the landmark Idiot Peace Accord and all was well. The Countess LuAnn Beansy McAppleCores brought her lurching, tree burl friend Kelly and everyone met. At some point I'm pretty sure Duchess LuAnn Chucklespoop was scandalized about something being rude. At another point everyone was drinking Bethenny's skinnygirls™ gumdrop n' vodka drinks. Seven people died and twelve others contracted leprosy. Bethenny deemed it a success.
Most importantly, though, was that Kelly became best friends with Ramona. It happened when, understandably mistaking her for her best friend Professor Pile of Sticks, Ramona sidled up to Kelly and said "Caw! Caw!" Kelly scratched her head and then said "Oh, right" and flipped on the pocket translator machine the producers had given her. "Say again?" she asked Ramona. Without missing a beat Ramona said "Rewind. OK. Don't you like it how little girls are little girls when they're little and girls? Also, I think Dr. Birdstein and I have broken up. We fought about the toucan. If you know what I mean. The toucan and I are moving to Paris."
Kelly blinked and flakes of her fell off into the swimming pool and then I think I fell asleep. I trust nothing earth shattering happened after that.
Oh, wait! I remember one last thing. Towards the very end, Simon fell down. Three times. Like the moon smiling at the end of A Little Night Music. Three times and I was happy and I said, to no one in particular but the dark room and my curtains and my Cher poster, "Good night."
And it was. I'm so thrilled to have all my friends back.